Saying Goodbye To the Life we Knew

     Well, the auction is now behind us.  It's amazing that when you realize that although it was in the planning for more than a year and a half, how very, very quickly the day came and went. 

 

     It was strange...I have really done so little of the 'work' of farming in the past few years, leaving that to my better half.  But it seems like only yesterday I was the one out there!  Chasing the cattle, needling the calves, marketing the end product!  Wow....that seemed like another Lynda...the 'cow boss' !  Strange to watch that old life lined up and said good-bye to.

      I think one of the hardest parts for me was the dismantling of the cattle handling system!  Oh I fought hard to get that!  To get away from the shabby, dangerous head-gate and rough planked shoot that led to it!  Looking back over the years, I still wonder how it was that none of us were killed...or at least seriously maimed fighting with frightened animals to ensure they had the treatment or medication that they needed to remain healthy and strong.  On our best year, I was finally given the okay to pick out a system that would work better for us, and ensure that both the animals and the staff could work in an environment that had less stress and danger.  It was a wonderful day! And although I didn't think too much about the upcoming auction, and the life we were saying goodbye to, when I saw that system being dismantled and carried up to the auction grounds, I realized that we really were moving on.  There was a definite pang of sadness that went along with that reality.

Auction day Early morning lineup....

    One piece at a time, the possessions and tools of our old life went up on the block, and the bidders decided their value.  It was strange, and different, as a price was put on the treasures of our past.  But, in a matter of hours it was over.  The sale finished, the past released.

     We had made a conscious decision that it was time to move forward.  Age and health made continuing the farming lifestyle we'd come to know and enjoy both difficult, and sometimes dangerous.  And....so much has changed for us in the past few years.  So piece by piece the equipment was lined up to say goodbye to.  Machinery that had been purchased, tractors that had been inherited, and the memories that went with them.  

      It was time to move on, to branch out, to take the leap of faith that when we let this part of our history go, that there would be something new waiting in the wings.  Not necessarily something better, but something equally as good and different from what we've known.  The final call of 'sold' sealed the deal for us. There was no going back...

Now Selling..Going once, Going twice....

     I kept myself, and many of my good friends very busy throughout the day, as we decided to do the lunch at the auction ourselves.  Thank goodness for the support of friends and family, and some very wonderful neighbors from the Lavenham community!  We decided that any proceeds for the day would go to the Sunshine Dreams for Kids Foundation  It's a cause near and dear to my heart, after the joy it brought to Shane's life in 2004.  I decided that having a worthy cause to focus on for the day would take some of the nervousness out of the equation, and give me a chance to connect with most people at the auction one way or another.  It turned out to be great ...busy, but great...and collectively we managed to raise over $1300 for the cause through our efforts.  Hopefully our hard work will result in another child coming closer to having their dream come true, and life long memories created because of it!

www.sunshine.ca

So there we have it...feels like the end of an era on one hand, but feels like a world of infinite possibilities on the other.  All in all we were happy with the day, not really knowing what to expect, but still glad that it's behind us now. Its a lot of work, a lot of worry, and a roller coaster of emotions, but as with all other things in life, we were surrounded by people that wanted to help any way they could, and ensure that we felt supported throughout the day, in every way.  We are truly so lucky.

     At the end of the day, I headed back up over the hill towards the house, exhausted and feeling a little lost.  As I crested the hill, the sunset caught my eye, and I had to make a pit stop at my thinking benches to watch it set.  I captured the picture below, and was reminded once more, that I have so much to be grateful for, and a world of beauty and memories to be thankful for.  And the rest will figure itself out if I give it time and space to do so.  There is an open book in front of me, which is the next steps of my life...I can't wait to write on those pages of all the possibilities that await!

Sunset view from the Escarpment at the end of the day

Till next time,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

My Mom....Vera Merle Dickson

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized it’s been exactly 4 months since my last update. I so apologize to all that follow my life and times through this blog, and intend to do better moving forward. There truly has been much to write about, but once again it’s been necessary for me to catch my breath and heal my spirit before I could come back to doing these things I so love to do.
As most know, we returned to our lives on the prairie on March 30, but unfortunately our reentry into this world was much rockier and harsher than we could ever have imagined.
Early on the morning of March 31st, my Mom called to see if we could pick her up and take her to emergency. She had been doctoring because her stomach had been upset since late January, but she seemed to be controlling it with antacids and careful eating. Then in mid February she started having an ongoing backache that her chiropractor didn’t seem to be able to relieve. The problems were annoying, but didn’t seem to be that serious, until that morning when she called.
Cecil and I picked her up and had her into Portage by 6:30am…and that was the start to yet another irreversible change in our world. By April 6th, they had diagnosed her with pancreatic cancer, which by the time it was found had invaded the liver and bile duct. There was no treatment, no hope, only palliative support and a limited amount of time to get her affairs in order. We were all left dumbfounded. How could someone who had always strived so hard to do everything right for herself and her family have this to deal with? How was it that only two weeks before, she’d flown out to meet us on Salt Spring Island to celebrate our daughter’s wedding? It was another one of those times that life just seemed too unfair. But as with everything else my mother did, she handled the news with grace and strength and concern not for herself, but for the rest of us she loved in what this would put us through.

Mom's Birthday 2009

When she was released from the hospital on April 10th, we offered her all the options of where she could go, making plans to set up what would be needed to support her in her own home, as she’d always said she never wanted to leave there. But she decided for that one night, she’d come home with us and spend the night in Shane’s room, while she thought things over.
The next morning she got up and over coffee told me “Shane and I had a big, long talk last night, and we’ve decided it would be best if I stay right her with you and Cecil if that’s okay.” Who was I to argue with her and Shane, the only thing I told her was that next time the two of them were talking, could she send him across the hall to say hi to his Mom!
We braced ourselves and made preparations for the journey ahead, not knowing at that time it would only be a short 5 weeks from diagnosis to death. Looking back, it’s a bit of a blur, but as painful as that loss continues to be, I feel so lucky for what we were able to achieve and experience in that short period of time.

Mom with me on my wedding day June 1, 2004.

We were fortunate in that the bumps in life have provided us with the knowledge and skills necessary to support the rapid changes that the disease caused in a fairly seamless manner. We made her dying as gentle and as dignified as it could be for her, and she responded in kind. We worked as a family team, my husband and our family, my sister and hers, my brother and his, and my Mom’s siblings…all banding together to make the best of a bad situation, all there for her giving her the one and only thing that had ever really mattered to her…the love and support of her family. In those weeks we had endless family suppers, movie nights, afternoon visits, and conversations. We took a night and put all the pictures that my mother had been taking on the digital camera we’d given her in 2004 on a disc, and we had a “Granny’s picture night”, where all of us spent our evening watching life from my Mom’s perspective in the time leading up to Dad’s stroke and the loneliness afterwards. It was heartwarming, eye opening and a little bit painful so see that time through her lens. When it was over, Mom was thrilled, and announced that this was one of the best months ever! Oh to have her grace!

Mike and Mim's Wedding, May 8, 2010

The week before Mom passed my brother married his longtime girlfriend here at our home, and Mom was able to be front and centre for the celebration of her last child. She beamed! She had fought very hard to be there, each morning the week before waking up and asking how many more days, not wanting to mess up his special day with her illness. She didn’t. It was perfect. At the end of the day, as we watched the happy couple cut the cake and open gifts, we finished with a sing-along so that Mike and Mim could have their first dance as a married couple, followed by a few songs were I played with the amazing accompaniment of Mim’s brother Iain. And just as I knew she would, Mom requested her favorite song “One Day at a Time”, and sang along with me as I sang what I know will be the hardest song ever.

That was on May 8th, and at 6:15am on May 14th, we gathered around her in the comfort of Shane’s old room as she took her final breath and went to join Dad and Shane. Even as I write these words, almost two months later, it seems so impossible that she is gone. She was my biggest fan, my strongest supporter, the one who still thought her children were perfect, even after all these years! It seems impossible that in only 26 months my husband and I have lost three parents and my precious son. It seems impossible that the world goes on, but it does, and so do we. Changed forever, but so fortunate to have had them in our lives and our world for as long as we did.
We all decided we needed a few weeks to catch our breath and ground ourselves after the whirlwind we’d found ourselves coming home to after her diagnosis, so we waited until June 12th to have her Memorial service. My brother Michael Dickson did her eulogy, and once again captured her essence and her life perfectly with his words. It went as follows:

In better times....together again.

“If you look at the framework of a person’s life, most would look...well...less than extraordinary. If you looked at the framework of Mom’s life you might see a woman who; was born and raised on a small farm in Southern Manitoba, grew up to become a teacher, got married, raised a family (on a small farm in Southern Manitoba) worked until she retired and... sadly...passed away quietly on a small farm in Southern Manitoba.
It’s only when you look much closer that you see: the young girl born to a hard working prairie family whose humble beginnings saw her forced to sleep in the drawer of her parent’s dresser. Now...it was never made clear to us if it was the top drawer or the bottom drawer...or if any of her other siblings occupied the other drawers but...I digress. You see the hopes and dreams of a young girl growing up, riding horses, skating with friends and taking the buggy back and forth to school. You would see the determination of a young woman who completed her schooling and pursued her childhood dream of becoming a teacher.
The courage it took to leave her home to travel to strange and distant lands like Nelson House and...Rossendale. You would see the passion of a woman who could open her heart to love at first sight, the patience to wait for her true love to come to his senses and confess his love and the courage to follow her heart. You would see the spontaneity required to pack up her worldly belongings, fly out to the west coast and get engaged on December 19th 1958...and get married on December 20th 1958. I always assumed that Mom and I were so different and that she must have figured that I was crazy and irresponsible but...while writing this...I realized that, maybe, we weren’t all that different after all.
After following Dad back and forth across the country she returned with him to Rossendale where she worked for 30 years teaching at Long Plains. She embraced the community and the culture and they, in turn, I believe, embraced her. She taught several generations and made lifelong friends. She always loved running into former students, seeing how they were doing, meeting their children...sometimes their grandchildren. She took pride in their accomplishments, mourned their losses and felt happy to see when they were doing well.
In later years her joy came from her grandchildren. Going to soccer, hockey and baseball games, swimming, Christmas concerts spending time hanging out with Jamie, Shane, Michelle, Richard and, on visits, Andrew. Baking, reading, watching movies. When Lynda and Cecil married the circle grew to include more grand children and great grand children, all of whom she embraced and treasured.
After Dad had his stroke Mom’s focus turned to caring for and supporting him. Most of us could not believe or appreciate how much work it was but she never complained, never felt sorry for herself or showed resentment for her situation. She did whatever it took, accepting that that was just what needed to be done.
When Dad died...Mom’s heart was broken. We all thought we knew how hard it was for her but, in hindsight, I don’t think we really had any idea. The world she knew was gone. Just a year later, when Shane passed away, I think it was more than she could bear.

Shane and his Granny

When Mom received her diagnosis it shook her, to be sure, but she seemed to accept it (quite readily), to be at peace with her lot. It was only 5 short weeks from the day that she received the diagnosis that she passed away but those 5 weeks were filled with family, friends, laughter and love. All of the things she had held so dear. There was the opportunity for generations to grow closer as her brothers and sisters, children and grand children shared her final days.
She was not afraid to die. She found strength in her faith and peace in knowing that she was going to see two of the most important people in her life; her beloved Jim and her dear Shaney. We just hoped that...when she arrived they were there waiting for her...not busy out Bull shopping or looking at cattle trailers.
Over the past several years Mom began keeping a journal. It wasn’t until after her death that we started to read them. It gave us a great insight into our mother the person. lf any of you are keeping a journal now, keep it up, if you have ever considered keeping a journal, I would encourage you to do so. Someone once said any life that is worth living is worth recording. It’s true. Trust me, you’re children will thank you and it will stand as a great testament to your lives.
I don’t remember Mom ever saying a bad word about anyone (although she did always remark when I filled that void...ooh, Michael...language). She saw the good in everyone, the best in every situation and the infinite potential in each of her students.
When Lynda, Joanne and I met with the minister to discuss this memorial she asked us to choose a word to describe Mom. The first three words that came out of our mouths were...family, kindness and love. If, after 72 years of living, and...going on 50...ish years of raising a family, those left behind who loved you most choose those three words to describe you. I think you’ve lived a pretty extraordinary life...I think that stands as an amazing legacy.
So now it falls to us to carry on this legacy of family, kindness and love...and we will, because of the values Mom instilled in us. She did all that was asked of her and she did everything right. She will never be forgotten and she will always be loved. “

So now here we are, July 11, 2010. Lots of other things have happened since our return, lots of good things, lots of things on the horizon, but for now, I just felt it was most important to talk about Mom. I think that maybe this was all a part of the reason I was called to take the time away last winter, to regroup and strengthen myself for what we’d be coming home to. To be able to have what it took to do what she needed, and I’ll always be so proud and so grateful we were able to do that for her. It’s exactly what she would have done for us.
Until next time,
Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca

The Road Trip of 2009...

A glimpse of the Oregon coastline.

Well, it’s been close to a month since I last updated. I had such good intentions of being more timely/consistent at doing this…but I guess not everything has changed!

After three weeks on the island, the rain got the best of us. Me… I could sit and write, and research, and do projects until the cows come back home…but Cecil paced like a caged lion hour after hour. It was too much going from 16-18hour days of harvest, to sitting here 24/7 staring at the rain pouring down outside. He’d just made up his mind to fly home for a few days, as the weather there sounded sooooooo good, when the forecast for Manitoba changed to snow, so that caboshed that plan. Finally, on November 24^th we looked at each other and said what now? So, for the first time ever, we decided just to pack our bags and hit the road. Two hours later we were on our way south!

The coastal highway sights.

It was very strange having the freedom to just pick up and go…I don’t know any time in my memory when I didn’t have to sort out all the complexities of not knowing where I was heading, how long I’d be gone, or what I was going to do. We had said early on, that sometime this winter we wanted to take a road trip down the Pacific coast of Washington, Oregon and California. In an attempt to outrun the rain that had settled in here, we decided that that someday trip could happen now!

It was an amazing 2 weeks of driving the highways along the ocean, that you see in so many car commercials and movies. The weather through Washington state remained iffy, but half way through Oregon the sun came out, and stayed with us!

We hit a lot of interesting things that weren’t even on our to-do list. One was accidently landing in Forks, Washington for lunch the first day in the States. I’d heard a CBC radio show on the small town where the ‘Twilight’ series was born and continues to thrive. It blew my mind how someone writing a book about a place can assist in it booming into a tourist attraction. For folks at home, I’d compare it to Gladstone….small, several little business, but not much more than a lot of enthusiasm for the stories and characters created there who are taking over the imaginations of millions around the world.

A view of Alcatraz from Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco.

We saw the dunes of Oregon, drove through the redwood forest and drove the truck through a giant Redwood. We saw the Golden Gate bridge, Alcatraz across the harbor, and spent time on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco.

Amazing sunsets along the way.


Some of the monarch of Pismo Beach, California.
. We watched surfers in California and found the eucalyptus grove where tens of thousands of Monarch butterflies make their way each winter to rest and reproduce and eventually die, only to have their offspring make the same journey north to Canada the following spring.

Most of the trip was enjoyable, but I’m a pre-planner, and there were moments where I really wished that we’d taken time to look at options prior to heading out…like the night we spent in Santa Monica…arriving too late to really find our way around, and ending up staying in a hotel on the strip that I’m pretty sure they use to film many of the CSI episodes…where bodies are found by the manager the next morning! And although I didn’t sleep a wink to speak of all night, we survived that one as well.

Hollywood Boulevard's Walk of Fame.

We spent a morning in LA, and found the Hollywood walk of fame, but were disappointed by it all, and being naieve Canadians, likely not in the best place at the time of day we chose to walk it. And worst of all, after putting on about 4 miles of walking (okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad…but it was a lot in sandles!) we never did find John Wayne or James Dean….so what was the point! Fortunately, to sooth Cecil’s frustration, we did come across Johnny Cash’s star….thank goodness. It was hard though for me to walk amongst such poverty and so many downtrodden people, coming from the world I live in. One man held up a sign that said “Make God happy, take a bum to breakfast”…then became quite belligerent that I hadn’t taken his picture to show the world what the real Hollywood Blvd looked like. He was probably right.

We drove through some of the Hollywood Hills, looking for the best view of the sign, and seeing the complete opposite of the poverty we’d witnessed on the street. Massive houses hanging from hills, a city bigger than a Lavenham girl can even imagine, stretching on forever in every direction. We never did get a good picture of the legendary sign, but decided after a few hours, it was time for we country mice to get back to something closer to our element. I’m sure that in years to come, we’ll think of all the things we should have looked at or for while we were there, but at the time, it was just so good to get back on the open road, to cleaner air, and the bubble we live in.

The "Bellagio" hotel, in Las Vegas, Nevada.

We headed cross country from there to take in the sights of Las Vegas Another place we’d thought we’d like to see one day. We lucked into an amazing rate at the Bellagio hotel, and made it our home base for the three nights we spent. We toured the strip, took in the sights, and even dropped a few dollars into the casinos. However, being two of the world’s worst gamblers, that didn’t hold our attention for long…and being that you can still smoke in the casinos of Vegas, I found that within a very short time, my head was plugged from the smoke…so off we went again!

While we were there we did take in Cirque du Soleil’s show “O”. “Cirque du Soleil weaves an aquatic tapestry of artistry, surrealism and theatrical romance in the timeless production, "O". Inspired by the concept of infinity and the elegance of water's pure form, "O" pays tribute to the beauty of the theatre - from the simplest street performance to the most lavish of operas - where anything is possible and where the drama of life plays itself out before our very eyes. World-class acrobats, synchronized swimmers, divers and characters perform in, on, and above water to create a breathtaking experience.” (as quoted from their website)… And boy, was it ever. I’d have to say that it was truly one of the highlights of the trip for me and a performance I’ll never forget!

sand art by an fellow on the beach at Santa Barbara, California

We headed for home through the central parts of the states, encountering snow, desert and mountains all in the course of a day. We hit Portland Friday night traffic in a rain storm….so that was a driving experience that Cecil would rather not repeat. And Finally, we returned to Canadian soil on December 5^th, and settled back on our island. The sun followed us home, and I’m happy to report, continues to shine as I write this.

So that was the mad breakaway. It was a good diversion, and a change that was needed. I continue to really struggle with the holiday season looming ahead of us. The travel took my mind off of it for a while, now I’m settling back in trying to figure out what to do….what to do.

For now, I’ll try to enjoy the sunshine on the water, the hummingbirds at my feeder, and the memories of better times…and continue the walk through this!

Till next time,

Take care,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca