Shane Allan James Dickson...so this is what it feels like when your heart breaks....

Just before 9:30pm on Tuesday, March 10, 2009, I learned what what it feels like for the world as you know it to be ripped from the very heart of you, as life changes for ever and always. Shane was just a little 'off'...we weren't sure what he was struggling with, but decided that being in hospital for observation was the safest bet. After 36 hours of not feeling great, he finally settled. We watched American Idol so he'd be up on the conversation at school when he got back to it, he closed his beautiful blue eyes, I made up the cot they gave me and turned off the light. Twenty minutes later, it occurred to me that I couldn't here his breathing, which had been noticeable with the head cold..I jumped out of bed, turned on the light, and realized the world as I've known it for 17 years was gone.
The past 3 days have been a blur of phone calls, visits, arrangements and head shaking...trying to make sense of the unfathomable. What a nightmare....and try as I might, I just can't wake up from it. I don't know where the tears keep coming from, but they do keep coming...and coming....and coming.....God I miss my boy.....
The funeral is planned for Sunday..and I hope I have all the basis covered. Songs I've written to support other people through the struggles of loss, are suddenly becoming part of the ceremony that will support me through my own...

For me, I wish I had the courage to get up and share what Shane meant to me, but I know I can't. The recessional song is 'Heroes' that was written for and with Shane, and that says so much about how he's got me through so many things, and who he helped me to become....he was my mentor, my teacher, and the very best parts of me.....I owe him so very much for the lessons he taught, and the love and patience he showed and the honor granted to just be his mom. I'm attaching a jpeg with the poem 'Welcome to Holland'...I kept this poem taped to my dresser mirror for over 16 years, and always called Shane my little dutch boy...because he took me to Holland, and the journey was remarkable....I can't believe how lost I am without him her to guide me....and I just hope that today his new legs are taking him to every corner of the universe that his heart desired to see...and his voice is celebrating and sharing all the wisdom his soul has gathered ....Shane....I will miss you forever, and love you for always...Forever and always, my baby you'll be. Love you so much sweetheart...





His Obituary reads as follows:
It is with deepest sorrow that we announce the sudden passing of Shane Allan James Dickson, age 17, of Lavenham, Manitoba on Tuesday, March 10th, with his mother by his side.

Left to mourn his loss, and forever cherish his memory, are his parents Lynda and Cecil Turner, siblings Bill (Robin), Lisa (Adam), Kathy (Tim), John (Corinna), Bianca (Josh) and Anthony. He will be sadly missed by Grandparents Vera Dickson, and Delmer and Shirley Dobbin, and lovingly remembered by many aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins, as well as countless friends and classmates. Shane was predeceased by his father Greg Dobbin (2001), Grandpa Jim Dickson (2008) and Grandma Hazel Turner (2008).

Shane was born January 18, 1992 in Winnipeg. Shane’s physical struggles began early in life, with a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy, but the struggles and challenges never weakened his resilient spirit or his infectious laugh. While many people spend decades waiting to learn what their purpose in life might turn out to be, Shane’s became clear at a very early age, as he became an ambassador for children with special needs to the greater community. His beautiful eyes and his knowing smile opened many people’s eyes and hearts to the possibilities within a child with such differing needs. In his short 17 years, Shane started a ripple of understanding that will be felt by hundreds of people for years to come, and anyone who knew him will never forget him.

Shane loved people! His greatest joy was in being surrounded by friends and family. He loved school and being in the center of it all both at the Elementary and Collegiate schools of MacGregor, where he was in Grade 11. The MacGregor staff and student body provided Shane with an educational experience that was second to none, and provided the country with a living example of what inclusion in schools really, truly looks like. There wasn’t one day when a hoot of joy didn’t erupt from Shane, when he heard the bus coming for him, because he couldn’t get enough of the time spent with peers.

Physical limitations didn’t hinder his opportunities for travel, swimming, 4-wheeling, snowmobiling, camping, or tobogganing. There were very few things that he missed having the chance to try, and leaves us knowing his seventeen short years were packed with a lifetime full of memories and adventures. He knew what it was to have true, lifelong friendships, and he knew what it meant to be truly loved by all those around you. He was also able to teach us that physical abilities can’t limit a spirit, or a person’s sense of joy, as he spent his life teaching all of us those lessons.

There are so many amazing things happening....in a world where 50 years ago, a child with his needs might have come and gone without so much as a marking on his grave...here we are struggling to find a building that will accommodate the crowd that has embraced him. There's a FaceBook page dedicated to his memory, that grows by the hour, with words of condolences and celebration for the gifts he offered. It's all so overwhelming right now, but in the days to come, I hope to gather the strength to share with the world, who he was, and the lessons he taught us all...but for now, I just need to close my eyes and remember the child that was mine.

How can this be?

How can it be that another two months have slipped past, and I've not managed to find myself here in all of that time? That should be rephrased...I've found myself here on several occasions, but the stops have been so brief, and the time not available to spill out what's on my mind, so the window closes until a more suitable time comes along. And with so many other things...a more suitable time does not make itself known. I've also struggled with a lot of frustration on getting this sight to open as it's supposed to, and once again today, it's a scrambled version of what I should be able to access, and I'm not certain why (of course, now after all my whining, I've come back in to edit a spelling mistake I found and lo and behold it's working beautifully....sheesh!) ...but it frustrates me, and so lots of time I just say to heck with it...but today, I need to actually move ahead and write something, so here I am.
The last two months have been a blur for the most part. Christmas came and went...likely a little better than we'd thought it might, but still a tough season to endure with all the firsts that came with it. December 20th would have been my parents 50th wedding anniversary, our first Christmas without Dad or Mom Turner to share the season with , January 2nd was Dad's birthday...so there were a lot of firsts..all tough ones to walk through, all so close together. But we linked arms and hearts as a family, and came through it somehow, and now find ourselves on the other side.
We decided to start 2009 off differently, so after a little surfing on 'SellOffVacations.Com' on Christmas eve, we landed a great winter holiday at a great resort at a great price, and stole away for the first week of January. We'd never been on a hot winter vacation before, so it may have been a mistake on our part, because I can't see not doing that again each year, if at all possible. It certainly broke up the winter for us here, and got us away from all the things that were challenging us, at least for a little while.
We ended up going to Cuba..for no particular reason other than that's where the best deal seemed to be for the week we had free. It was a great opportunity to see a world, so removed from our own that it was like we were in another time. We also met some incredible people that were also on vacation, and developed friendships that I know will last for years to come. It was exactly the break that we needed. It was wonderful to get away for a few days, and break from the cold and the snow...but truthfully...it was also really good to get home. I don't know what it is about me this last several months, but home is so incredibly important for me, and when I'm away, I can hardly wait to get back to it...even though when we boarded the plane to come the temperature in Varadero was +30 celcius...when we landed 4 hours later in Winnipeg it was -30! Its' those little things that do make me questions why it is I continually are called to to return!
January also saw my son turning 17....and starts the countdown for a new life for him on the horizon, mere months away. 2010 seems to be a year I've been working towards for a long time, and here we are on the cusp of it. It's exciting, and scarey...all at the same time. It seems like I've left so much to ride on the time when he'll be eligible for the adult supports that will allow me to return to some of the freedom and flexibility I knew before his birth. I wonder now if I'll follow through on the promises I've been making to myself, or whether I'll be able to 'let go' of the roles that I've assumed over 17 years of being his main caregiver. It's funny. In my job, working with people with disabilities and developing networks for them to live full lives, it seems we're always looking for ways to support parents to 'let go' or 'hold on differently' so that other people can assume more of the responsibility, and prepare for the time when they won't be around to do it all. Now that I'm inching so close to that myself...I wonder if I'll be able to walk the walk. It's going to be a very interesting year ahead to be sure!
So now we're into February. So where am I, let me see....I've got the final cuts of 12 songs done for my new CD. Now the time comes to concentrate on packaging and presentation...and we're ready to move forward into production. It's kinda like readying your child to go out into the world...a little scary, but exciting. Of course, I'm still struggling with the name of the next CD...sheesh, the challenges of summing it all up. Oh well, there's time, and it will come.
For now my spare time is spent practicing for a House Concert I'm performing at next weekend. Typically, in the recent past, I've been on the other side of the fence, hosting and presenting them, and although getting back more into the limelight is on my agenda for 2010 (like everything else!), it was a great honor to be asked to perform at one...and it's been good for me to get off the fence and back into the saddle. I needed the little boost up that this has given me, and am really looking forward to it, and all the ones that will follow. I do a lot of performing where I may be asked to do a few songs, or fill in a set, but it's been awhile since the entire evening's entertainment hinged on me, so this is taking a little more preparation. It's neat though, how thinking about the songs, and figuring out the introductions, leads you on that journey down memory lane, reminding you just how long music has been part of who you are, and revisiting the milestones that marked the various points along that journey. It's so great to be back to the place where music is once again a defining characteristic of who I am...there were too many years spent treading water without it.
I'd like to go on, but another day is slipping through my fingers, so I'll add more next time.
Until then, take care,
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/

A Portrait of Lavenham

Unexpectedly, it's been an amazing week here in this little town of Lavenham! And a lot of the excitement has to be attributed to the other Lavenham...the one in Suffolk, England, not the one here in Manitoba, Canada!

It all started with an email I received in early October, from Tony Hepworth, a gentleman in Lavenham, Suffolk, who was writing a book about his town there. He wanted to include a chapter on other Lavenhams of the world, and through the wonder of the world wide web, had found me through my website, that mentions where I'm from. I collected information for him from local area books that had been written about our small town's history, and took a few pictures for him of the town as it is now. He expanded his chapter on our Lavenham by a couple of pages, and sent the book off to the printers.
Tuesday, I got an email from him to say that the book was finished, and the copy he'd promised me was in the mail. He also mentioned that he'd been a guest on BBC Radio, promoting the book, and having had one choice of songs to play during the interview, chose a cut off my 'Reflections' CD! I shared that with a few friends who follow and encourage my musical dreams, and through that, one of them found the link so that we could all listen to the broad cast. For anyone that might be interested, go to

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p001kkkx/Lesley_Dolphin_02_12_2008/

It will only be on the sight for another couple of days I think, but still...it was incredibly cool to hear one of my tunes on the BBC! Thankyou Tony for the plug, and all the kind words that went along with it! I am so looking forward to having the opportunity to learn more about the town that our own was named for!

Beyond that little bit of excitement, things have been pretty calm. Trying to get in the spirit of the season, but I'm finding it so hard to do this year. I can't wait for this funk to pass, but worry as to when it will. I think that Christmas, although meant to be a time of family and celebration, can also be a time of sad remembrance for those that are missing this year. Seems to be hitting me hard these days, and even dreams are filled with those no longer with us...it's like one can't escape. I think also it's being heightened with my son's health being so tentative right now...he's having struggles that are new to the struggles he's already living with, and it's tough trying to figure it out for a young man that can't share what's going on. I think if we can get things settled for him, some of my own challenges will ease.

Mixes of the songs for the new CD are starting to come in, and they are sounding good! However, I got a real eye opener the other day around just how painfully slow my lovely dial-up internet connection truly is! When a song comes to me to download, the tunes that are typically 39-50mb in the format my engineer forwards them to me in, it's taking me close to 10 hours per song to download...having always had dialup, I never really thought that much about it, it's just the way it is, and I plan on that when downloading. Last week, I was having trouble opening one song after the download, so I did it a second time...still couldn't open it. Happened, the next day I was going into a meeting in the city, and while at a friends house, she allowed me to download it there, to see if it was more successful. Well, I still wasn't able to open it BUT the darn song only took about 1 minute to download at her house!! Now I see how sucky dial-up really is! So, I've decided to give myself an early Christmas present, and have ordered satellite internet service to be installed...I just hope it works! Life in the country is so, so wonderful...but we do have these little drawbacks to contend with....internet service being one...lousy water pressure being another...but that's another story. Anyways, wish me luck...and maybe when I get up to speed on what's possible on the net now, who know's what I'll actually accomplish in a day!!!!

We got a lovely skiff of snow last night, so everything is looking so clean and pristine here today..it's also got the guys all fired up to be out on their snowmobiles! That's okay..it's made for a nice, quiet day for Shane and I to regroup by the fireplace, and get grounded again. Tonight, we're planning on putting up our Christmas tree....maybe that will help fire up the spirit of the season for me.

Well, stay warm....stay safe...till next time.
Lynda

http://www.musicwriter.ca/

Wonders in your own back yard

It's hunting season around here again....I hate this time of year...none of it has ever sat well with me, even as a child. But, because of the abundance of wildlife around here, it's a big part of the reason many people have chosen to live or cottage in the area. For the most part, I believe everyone is pretty responsible about it, but last week, at the beginning of the season, we found some folks just aren't. A calf about to come home from pasture was mistaken for a deer and shot in our west pasture. I don't understand that if someone isn't close enough to know the difference, why would you shoot into the bush (not to mention...it was on private property, with no permission given). Anyhow, it did nothing to improve my feelings about the sport, to say the least.

We brought the calf home to autopsy, and before we could dispose of the remains that were behind the bale yard, a group of Bald Eagles found them. It was breathtaking to look out and see at least eight of those amazing creatures gathered for a feast. There were at least 3 fully mature ones, with the other's either immature based on their plumage. We often see one or two at a time, but never a collection like that. It's no wonder that so many cultures find the bird such a source of beauty and inspiration....they are awe inspiring in their majesty. Even amid the frustration of needless loss, we are blessed to be living in a place that gives us such beauty in exchange.

Last night we headed into Portage for the Prairie Player's production of Play On at the Glesby centre. It was the first dinner theatre I've been to in years, and it was a really great night....something out of the ordinary, and wonderful fun. I was amazed at how many old friends I got the chance to connect with at the production as well. It was just what was needed after resurfacing from the recent sadness.

A quiet weekend around here. It's a nice change from some of the hectic circles of the past year. Time to do a little thinking about Christmas if the spirit will allow me to. I've been trying little baby steps, but it's really hard to get into the swing of the season yet...I'm not even sure if it'll happen at all this year, but we've got to keep trying.

I've been very proud of the fact that I've been able to maintain my walking...I'm now past my fifth full month, and have only missed 8 days. It's not doing as much as I'd like for my weight, but it does wonders for my spirit, and that's worth a million bucks right now. Unfortunately, I think I'm killing my treadmill slowly but surly. It died badly enough last week that when Cec and I had two days in the city, we spent the whole time running around looking for a replacement, that I never did find! Then when I came home and tried it, it worked fine again...until today when about 2 minutes from my finishing time it crashed again! Darn that jars you when you've got your momentum going! :( Oh well, maybe it's just needing a little rest before getting back at it tomorrow! I can only hope!

well, that's about it for today.
Till next time.

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

Catching my breath

Feels like we're finally being given a chance to catch our breath a little around here. Still pretty crazy on the farm, trying to get the last of the cattle home from pasture etc, but we've had the first of our snow, and if feels like we're starting to settle into the winter mode.
Things seem to have been coming together a little smoother the last week or so. Work seems manageable, there hasn't been too much craziness on the home front, and there seems to be a little time each day just to sit back and breathe. Feels like that's been missing for much of the last year.
I attended the Manitoba Farm Women's conference in Brandon last week. It was a really great collection of sessions and seminars on self care and stress management. Came at just the right time. When I actually charted all the stuff we've had to deal with over the past 12 months on a stress calculator, I realized just how hard the past 12 months have been. Now the goal is to try and keep that knowledge front and centre, and to bear it in mind each time I consider taking on something I don't truly have the time of passeion for, and to try to ensure I keep thing manageable for myself. No one else is going to do that for me!
Started getting the first mixes of the songs for the new album this week. I'm really happy with what's coming in. I just hope it'll be together in time for Christmas...but that's getting iffy now. It was never my worry to have it for Christmas, but it seems when it's this close to finished, it would be nice. We'll see what happens.
Not too much else happening of interest right now....that's nice for a change. We're hosting Ken Hamm at our Home Routes house concert next Tuesday, November 25th. After that there will be a break from the concerts for the holiday season, unti the restart in February.
Speaking of Christmas, I'd like to offer a free download of my Christmas song "Upon that Christmas star" once again. Go to
www.musicwriter.ca/tunes/15.htm
to get your free download. Sadly, blogger doesn't seem to be working for adding pictures or direct links properly for me right now, so you may have to access it manually. Althouth this is a free download for the Christmas song, it was written to support Winnipeg Harvest, and food banks across Canada. Because of that, I've committed all Socan royalties for this song to be donated to our foodbanks, so whenever you have a chance to support or request radio play that will work provide royalties, you can be sure that you are supporting foodbanks. It's critical that we remember that there are thousands of people across our country that don't feel the gift of joy that most of us are fortunate enough to experience when the holidays roll around. Let's all do what we can to change that!
Until next time.
Take care,
Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca

November Remembers

Another month has sped by, and more heartbreak in our household to deal with. Cecil's mother, Hazel Turner, passed away on October 27th. For the second time in six months we found ourselves coming to terms with the loss of a parent, and it all seems just too soon and hard to be doing that again. Rememberance day just around the corner, and that too seems extrememly tough this year as both my Dad and my Mother-in-law were veterans who served our country and deserved to be recognized at this time of year. This year that recognition brings more sadness than ever before.

October had some hightlights that need to be shared. On October 16th I got to check another thing off my 'to-do' list, when I got to see Neil Young in concert at the MTS centre in Winnipeg. What a show he put on...and two hours into his performance, his voice still never wavered. One half expects that time will steal the ability to rock away from us, but is certainly hasn't touched his performance one bit! I loved it, and am so glad that it finally happened.
We were trying to figure out just how old Neil was now, so a couple of weeks after the concert I had some time to kill, and did a little googling. I was blown away to learn of Neil and Peggy Young's involvement in the Bridges School in California. I'm particularly interested, as I've been doing my practicum on augmentative communication. Bridges School was founded to support communication for children who are unable to communicate verbally. They seem to be leaders in the field. The Young's son Ben has cerebral palsy, and sounds like he struggles with many of the same symptoms and challenges that Shane faces every day, and it was because of Ben that the Youngs founded the school in 1986. Of course all this new knowledge has lead to another to-do on my list. Every October they host a 2 days accoustic concert to raise funds for the school...so of course somewhere down the line I'm going to have to find a way to attend that one day. Sheesh! My list just never does get any smaller does it!

We were out in BC recording the final voice tracks for my second CD in October as well. All went well with that, and the hope is that the cd will be done by Christmas time, so that's a positive to help offset some of the heartaches of this year. Of course, some of those heartaches are reflected in the songs of this collection, but there are also songs with humor and of appreciation to offset the sadder tunes as well, so I hope it's a well rounded collection.

Our second Home Routes House Concert of the season was held the end of October, with Rose Cousins as the performer. Rose was a lovely lady from Halifax (a native of PEI though), who entertained us with songs off her "If you were for me" CD.
We had our first snowday of the year from school yesterday. We got about a foot of snow dumped on us here Thursday/Friday, so I guess old man winter has arrived in the valley. We're not as ready as we'd like to be with all the events that have taken place over the past few weeks, but then we never really do feel like we're ready for winter again anyways!

Till next time,
Take care,
Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca

How can time fly so Quickly by....

I don't know how it can possibly be October 4th today...or how two months have slipped by since my last writing. Every morning on my walk my mind recites exactly the things that I need to record when I get back to the house, but then I do get back to the house, and the phone starts to ring, and the emails start flashing, and the needs of the day push all of the brilliant thoughts I had right out of my mind...and life carries on.

There's been a lot happening since my last post. Harvest has come and gone...although it was a challenge with the continual rains that seemed to dog our progress. School is well underway for yet another year. And life on the farm is starting to make it's preparations for winter a priority.

I took this picture yesterday, as I was on a picture taking binge it seemed. We had our first frost here in the valley last Saturday, which is extremely late for us for a change, but with the frost, the colors of fall have come to life. And today we have been given another beautiful day to appreciate them. It's sunny and about 22degrees here, so plans have been made for one last get together at our little campsite down by the river. I for one, am really looking forward to sitting back for a few hours and just breathing it in.

So what's been happening...well August was a bit of a blur with trying to get all the farm work finished up in the short clips of good weather that we had. Summer never did afford us the warm weather that would have made it seem like it had actually been there,and all in all, it was just an odd one somehow.

September started out with the CCMAs in Winnipeg. When we got our delegate passes in January, we filled out the forms that we would volunteer a bit while they were in town. Somehow volunteering a bit turned into overseeing transportation for the weekend...and what was supposed to be a fairly simple assignment, it turned out instead to be 6 16-18hour days where the words...'CCMA Transportation Room...Lynda Speaking...." burned into my memory for about two weeks after it was all behind! By the end of the first day, I was a little ticked at what I'd fallen into, but as the weekend wore on, it turned out to be one of the coolest 4 days of my life. I had the opportunity to meet and work with not only my co-coordinator Brenda, but a whole team of remarkable people that gave 110% every single day to make the event successful. And although I missed a number of the conference sessions that I know I would have enjoyed (particularly all the songwriter's cafes), I had the opportunity to get to know some of the people behind the names that I've admired for years, and that was worth every minute of lost sleep. One of my favorite memories was of the time spent with Joan Besen, and her playing partner David Celia, who I had the honor of chauffeuring to a number of events. Having the opportunity to connect on a different level was so wonderful. I also had a chance to get to know the true lady that is Michelle Wright. Those are memories that a delegate pass just can't buy. And I think one of the coolest things for me was that although I took vacation time to participate in the event, and vacation it certainly was not....for those few days I couldn't have been further away from my everyday world....I was completely immersed in something so different that it really did end up being a vacation of sorts.

Last week we started up with the 2008-2009 Home Routes House Concert series, with a performance by Rick Fines of Peterborough, Ontario. Rick is an amazing Blues singer/songwriter/guitarist, and gave us all the gift of better understanding, and appreciating the history and the heritage that is Blues music. We were honored to host him in our home, and hope that our paths cross down the road again sometime. One of the gifts that Home Routes has given all of us as presenters is the opportunity to be exposed to styles and types of music that growing up in Rural Manitoba didn't. It something we really enjoy! Our next house concert is scheduled for Monday October 27th when we will be hosting Rose Cousins from Halifax, Nova Scotia.

In two weeks I'll be heading back out to BC to do the final voice tracks for a collection of new songs we've been working on over the summer months. Hopefully the cold I've been fighting will be long over with by that time, because if it isn't it'll take all the fun out of recording that's for sure! I'm not worried...my lucky star will make sure all is well come that weekend I'm sure!

I guess that about covers where things have been of late. One thing that I'm also really excited about is Neil Young coming to the Winnipeg MTS centre on October 16th. Seeing him perform live is another of the things that I'll be able to check off my life's to-do list, and I'm glad I'm finally going to have the opportunity.

Well that should be all...time to go pack the picnic basket I guess, and enjoy one of the few remaining summer like days of fall.

Till next time,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca