Moving through the days....

No reason for the picture above, except I like it....not representative of anything right now(except maybe a yearning for the sense of peace that the water brings me)...it's just a memory of time spent on Mayne Island in June, and the beauty that can be captured there. Truth is I love photography....sometimes I wish I'd followed more of my passions in my early years...I wonder what I'd be doing now? Oh well, the good news is that I'm fortunate enough to get to dabble with them at this stage of life...

Been an on/off week. Things seemed to be going okay, but then for no apparent reason, another melt down hits me, and I'm stalled in my tracks again. It's an endless wave, this grief. Days go by where you think that it's finally subsiding, then up she rises again. It's all very exhausting, and frustrating, as there's so much that I'd love to get done or accomplished in a day, and so often I just can't get things done. Hate that!

Was going through some pictures from our vacation in June and found the ones below, taken from the ferry on the ride over to Salt Spring. I'd forgotten all about it almost, and finally looked it up today. We were going across the ferry and looked up at the sun (for some silly reason...not likely the safest thing to do, but whatever!)...and there was a complete circle around it, extremely beautiful but eerily strange to look at. Apparently it's called a 22 degree Halo...as explained below. Here I thought it was some psychic phenomena I was experiencing!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A 22° halo is a rather frequently appearing halo, an optical phenomenon forming a circle 22° around the sun, or occasionally the moon. It forms as sunlight is refracted in hexagonal ice crystals suspended in the atmosphere. As the light beam passes through two sides of the prism forming a 60° angle, the angle of minimum deviation is almost 22° (e.g. 21,84° in average; 21,54° for red and 22.37 for blue.) This wavelength-dependent variation in refraction causes the inner edge of the circle to be reddish while the outer edge is bluish.^[1] A 22° Halo may be visible on as many as 100 days per year.^[2]

Pathway of light through a hexagonal prism in the optimal angle resulting in minimum deviation.

Light passing through the hexagonal ice prisms is deflected twice which produces deviation angles ranging from 22° to 50°. Lesser deviation results in a brighter halo along the inner edge of the circle, while greater deviation contribute to the weaker outer part of the halo. As no light is refracted at smaller angles than 22° the sky is darker inside the halo. ^[3]

22° halos form when the sky contains millions of poorly oriented ice crystals. Some of these happen to be aligned perpendicular to the sun light as viewed by one observer which produces the illuminated 22° circle, while other crystals produces the same phenomenon for other observers. An Alexander's band can be seen inside the halo. ^[4]

Like other ice halos, 22° halos appear when the sky is covered by thin cirrus clouds containing the ice crystals which causes the phenomenon. Small colourful coronas much nearer the sun produced by water droplets can occasionally be confused with 22° halos. ^[5]

Okay, so I guess it's easily explained...but still pretty cool, gotta admit!








Busy here trying to wrap up finishing details so I can get the cd to production. Busy trying to pick out pictures, and make sure I have what I need done, but it's exciting to be back at this stage again. I'm worried about how I'm going to release this one...the year has left me battered, and I don't see myself the centre of a cd release party this round, but maybe by the time I have things ready, I'll be in a better place emotionally. I'm really happy with how this one is turning out, and the songs that are on it. Sometimes I listen to the master and worry that there's too many songs about loss and grief, especially after the last year and a half, when many of the songs were written. I've decided just to go with it as is, as there's some humor and general stories as well. As for the grief, I figure it's the one equalizing factor for all of us....none of us come out of this unscathed, and maybe what I've written to help myself and other's get through our losses might help the next guy as well....who knows.
Anyhow, off to put on my other hat now, and sort cows....whoooweeee fun Sunday stuff!
Till next time,
Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca

Memories of a busy June...

June was a month to remember, a month of tough firsts, a month of baby steps moving forward. It started off with a much needed escape to the coast. Since Shane's passing I spend much of my weekend throwing myself into work so that the time that should be spent with him isn't so overwhelmingly heartbreaking. On Mother's day weekend, while working at my computer, Air Canada sent an email offering a wonderful rate for trips to Vancouver. I grabbed the flights!
We went out, immediately renting a car a heading for the ferry that would take us to Salt Spring Island. It was where we got married in 2004, and where we decided to spend this year's anniversary.
There is something about landing on that island that always gives me this feeling of 'aahhh, I'm home.' It draws me back year after year, and this year was no exception. From the time I landed the vice that has clenched my heart for months now released slightly, and I felt the weight lift off me for the first time in ages. I actually felt I could breathe, and for a short while the sadness lessened. It was such a welcome respite!
After a few days there, we made our way back to the mainland, visiting a dear friend on Mayne Island, then to Maple Ridge to spend time with friends and family there. I also finished the recording of the last two songs that are going on the cd, which now finally feels like it's ready for production.

This year, on Father's Day (June 21, 2009), 5 of my coworkers, as well as Cecil, Ryan and I all walked the 10 K portion of the Manitoba Marathon in Shane's memory. Through so many generous contributions, we collected $2,400 for Marathon, which raises money to support Manitoba's living with intellectual disabilities to live full, rich lives in community. I was actually amazed at the support we received, considering how generous people have already been in Shane's memory over the past several months in supporting the Children's Rehab centre, Sunshine Dreams and Variety club. It was quite remarkable. It was also remarkable that I managed to get through. The day Shane died was the day my walking stopped...which I had been so proud of darnit! Anyhow, in the months between his death and the marathon, I only was able to walk twice...the rest of the time my hips were just too crazy sore to think about it. I was very scared that after having raised so much, and committed to it that I wouldn't be able to complete the event (even more worried that I might not be able to start!)..strangely, the day before I met a lady who felt she could be of some assistance by giving me a Reiki treatment...something I'd barely heard of, let alone had...so I decided it couldn't hurt to try, and I can honestly say though much of what happened is beyond my understanding, I got through the walk, my hips have hurt very little since, and that day was the start of my getting back into my daily 45 minute walk routine. It feels so good to be doing that for myself again...now if I can just get the rest of my world back on some sort of track!



Marathon Beauties: THE LIFERS (at 6:30 am....way too fresh!)



The Home Team (tired and blistered, but so happy to have participated and FINISHED!!)


June 25th marked another tough day, but one more day I was happy to be able to get through (I won't say alone, because I believe with every fibre that Shane was standing by my side, supporting me through it.) June 25th was Graduation at Shane's school, MacGregor Collegiate Institute. I had decided that this had to be the first year of the "Shane Dickson Memorial Award" for inclusion, and was determined to present it myself. It went like this:

For many years now, Manitoba department of Education, Citizenship and Youth has been committed to inclusion in schools throughout the province. They define inclusion as a way of thinking and acting that allows every individual to feel accepted, valued and safe. An inclusive community consciously evolves to meet the changing needs of it’s members. Through recognition and support, an inclusive community provides meaningful involvement and equal access to the benefits of citizenship.

Miller and Katz define inclusion as “a sense of belonging, feeling respected, valued for who you are, and feeling a level of supportive energy and commitment from others so you can do your best work.”

When we started looking at what the educational world for Shane Dickson was going to look like in the mid nineties, there were questions as to what we would be able to teach a child with his kinds of needs. What we didn’t realize was how much Shane was going to teach all of us. Shane’s years in both the elementary and collegiate schools of Macgregor proved to be a shining example of what inclusion could and should look like, as staff and students worked together to make his experience here the best it could be. Along the way, Shane always showed us the value of that commitment as he continued to blossom and grow within the environment created for him. He showed us that through a committed effort and the right attitude, regardless of a child’s challenges they could still be part of the whole.

At the time of his passing in March, Shane was saving towards a trip to California to explore and enhance communication systems that would allow him to keep helping the rest of us to keep moving forward, promoting inclusion for all persons. His family has decided that that money will continue to promote the philosophy of inclusion by turning it into an annual Memorial award in Shane’s name. This $500 award will go to the graduating student or students who most exemplifies an understanding of the importance of including all members of the student body through their words, actions and acceptance of others…for the way they support those around them to feel that they belong and are valued exactly as they are. It will not be tied into furthering education in any given field, recognizing that the people chosen may decide to use their gifts in many ways, and this will allow them to do so.

It’s a honor for me to present the first annual award to Stephen Zacharias, who has shown that personality strength over the course of time. It’s hoped that this award will encourage Stephen to go out into the world and continue to make the same positive difference in the lives of others as he made in the life of Shane.

I choked on the last few words, as once I got Stephen's name out, the rest kinda fell apart, but that's okay. The award landed where it was most deserved, and I'll be working hard to ensure that each year from here on out, that award will be available to keep Shane's memory and lessons to us all very much alive!

I think that about covers June, and once again, I'll try to get back here a little more often, but there are lots of crazy, exciting things happening over the next few months....and I'll share them as things solidify. For now, it's off for my walk, where yesterday I came across two baby skunks! They were very, very cute in their efforts to 'scare' me and Buddy off! I know I won't find them as cute in about 2 months when I'm working at getting their stink off my dogs, but for now....hey, they're babies!


Till next time,
Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

An Angel in Disguise...and Women of Substance

As mentioned before, last weekend was particularly tough for me...my first Mother's Day without my boy...all so unbelievable really. I'd worked really hard at bracing myself for that day, and got through it somehow, but I think once it passed I let my guard down, seeing myself as having succeeded. One thing you can not do at this stage of grief is to let your guard down. It opens the doors for another flood of tears and heartache every time. So that's what happened...I got through Sunday, fell apart Monday, spent the rest of the week trying to pick up the pieces...the cycle continues. But I'm starting to realize more and more that somehow you get what you need, just when you need it, and this week my realizations were affirmed once again.




Emerald

It started with an email I got in the middle of the week sent to me through my facebook page, from a young lady named Emerald Kehler. Emerald and I have never had the privilege of meeting, but through our mutual connection to Shane she reached out, not knowing what a critical time it was for me.

First, a little history. Shane was one of the first generations of children with severe disabilities to be supported in the mainstream life of school. It took a lot of team effort by a lot of committed people to facilitate such successful inclusion for that young man. We all worked hard together to ensure that his education would happen as part of the typical school setting, and be individualized as needed to ensure that his needs were met as well. We did a great job, particularly with the students, however that didn't save me from receiving the anonymous letter from a "concerned parent" in September of 2004 telling me of how they felt he should be in a separate 'specialty' school, that their tax dollars were being wasted, that they'd get a petition going to make it happen....some day, when I'm back in a stronger place, I'll share the whole thing. But for now, suffice it to say, someone who didn't have the courage to sign their name, managed to enforce our resolve that Shane did need to be in that 'typical' setting, so that the next generation of parents would have a clearer understanding of how all students he connects with are benefiting, and won't be sending stupid letters to other parents who struggle with the day to day challenges of having a child with special needs. We know from all the wonderful things that have happened since Shane's passing just how successful we were at what we did and how those ripples of understanding are going to touch countless numbers of people we'll never know about, but the ripples of that have also started to come back to me, to help me through the tough days as well, and one such ripple was in the form of the story that Emerald wrote about Shane that she shared with me......it went as follows...

Hello Lynda, you may not know me, but i was friends with Shane, and I just wanted you to know how he changed my life. I know he did wonders in a lot of peoples lives. I wrote a story about him. I hope you like it..

An Angel In Disguise

Friends are the family we get to choose ourselves. Shane and I met back in elementary he was in grade 5, I was in grade 4. I had just moved to a new school and had very few friends, I remember the first time Shane an I met. It was lunch and Shane and Mrs. Hill were walking down the hallway and I was walking the other way, when Mrs. Hill said hello i immediately said hello back, but then I felt bad because i knew Shane couldn't talk. As I was about to walk away completely embarrassed something completely amazing that would change my life forever happened, Shane turned his head, looked at me with his big sparkly blue eyes and started laughing. From that day on I always made sure to say hi and have a little chat with Shane whenever I could.
As days slipped into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years we all grew up, and Shane continued to brighten my day when I thought it couldn't get any worse. Shane didn't care what I looked like or where I came from he wanted to be my friend anyway and it felt amazing. Shane always laughed at the most serious moments, there was this time during the moment of silence Shane started laughing, I thought it was funny and started giggling, by the end of the moment everyone was in stitches!
Shane was the only one who could make me laugh when I was a blink away from crying. Though Shane had many struggles from birth he was always teaching, and the people around him continued to learn. Some things he taught me is one smile can make someone else's day so much better, also that when people think you can't do things it's just more reason to fight through the struggle and prove them all wrong, and even when you going through a lot you can still give, and help someone else! Lastly when your looking for a hero don't look on the outside because their just regular people, look on the inside and you will find your hero, Shane was my hero. Shane's life was only 17 short years, he taught everyday he was here, proved many people wrong too many times to count, and loved everyone he cared for with all his heart. Things that I remember so vividly when I think of Shane is his smile was amazing, completely indescribable, his laugh was so infectious, completely unforgettable, and a small frail boy with a huge heart of gold.
I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you now understand how much Shane helped me in all my dark moments. Take care. Emerald Kehler

Thank you Emerald...I hope you know how much you helped me through some of my dark days as well.

I had another exciting thing happen last week as well. I submit a lot of stuff electronically through a site called "Sonicbids"...it's such an amazing time in history where you can send your thoughts and music to points all over the world, promoting and sharing what you do. Last week I got word that "When she Dreams" has been chosen for radio play by an internet radio station out of California called "Women of Substance" ....I figure Shane is out there in the universe working his magic, making sure Mom gets something sent her way to keep her spirits up....this week there was a lot of lifting being done!

http://www.live365.com/stations/breenoble

"Women of Substance" Radio is a streaming, online radio station which airs 24/7 on the Live365 Network. The station features female artists and singer/songwriters that deliver high quality music that speaks to listeners through vocal excellence, depth of character and emotion. "Women Of Substance" features label artists and Indie artists side by side within the playlist giving lesser known artists the opportunity to be heard alongside women who have already been recognized for their excellence in their genre by mainstream media.They are working hard to promote the fantastic Indie artists on their station. They have featured station ads on Live365.com and are spreading the word about their artists' news, shows and music through blogs and targeted marketing on sites like Facebook and MySpace. Each month's top 5 Indie songs are featured on WOS Radio's MySpace and Facebook pages as well.Their listeners enjoy many different genres. The only criteria is that they play great songs. They develop and promote many genre-specific and topical shows. See their station page for show schedule. This is a great gig for any female artist to gain exposure. The station owners are always looking for more ways to promote their artists, so "stay tuned".

I don't have any word on when the song might be aired, only that it will...if I hear more I'll let you know...but for now, this is a good start from where I am.
Till next time,
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/

A new kind of Mother's Day....

May 10, 2009 was a very different kind of Mother's day...the kind every mother would dread, the kind that leaves your heart in so many tiny pieces, that the chances seem slim that it will ever go back together properly...it was the kind of Mother's day that I had. Ironically, May 10 was the same date as my very first Mother's day...1992, the day my beautiful baby boy was christened, before the challenges started, before the doctors, and the therapists and the 'special' equipment and needs. When all there was was my beautiful 4 month old son and all the dreams that he held. I look back at the pictures now, and would never in a million years have believed the journey we took together, or that it had ended so soon.

In a round about way, I did spend this Mother's Day with my boy, not as I'd have wished under any different circumstances, but in a way that helped me to gain some closure. It seemed appropriate that this be the day that we spread his ashes...until now, he's sat patiently in a corner of my office, waiting for Mom to be ready....that was very much the story of his life I'm sure...but he was wonderful with the gift of patience he offered all of us as we bumbled along the uncharted road we travelled together. I'd planned it to be a very private event, with just Cecil, and I and the urn...but Shane's adored 'sister' Bianca heard my plans and wondered what time to be there, then my Mom heard my plans and wanted to be part of it all, then it turned out our grandson Ryan was with us for the weekend..and he'd spent so many of the last years weekends with Shane, this would be just one more. So Sunday afternoon we headed up to the edge of the land we all call the 'escarpment'...a place where hours and hours have been spent pondering the questions of the heart...the place where Greg rests watching over the land he so loved...the place where I go when I need time to think, and to remember, and sometimes to cry. The place where the legend of Winston Merry lives....the most beautiful place in my world....

The picture above was one taken at exactly that place, in happier times when both Dad and Shane (and of course Shane's best friend Trem) were there to breathe in the soft scents of nature, and embrace the beauty of our valley...Sunday Dad and Shane were together once more. I didn't have the heart of the ability to write something to send my boy off into forever, but found the beautiful words of the funeral poem

"Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep"

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there: I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints off snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn's rain

Do not stand by my grave and mourn

I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn

Where tranquil oceans meet the land

I am the footprints in the sand

To guide you through the weary day

I am still here, I'll always stay

When you wake up to the morning hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cryI am not there: I did not die

It seemed to represent well what was in our hearts, as we released Shane to the wind....

When we finished up at the escarpment, lovingly refered to as "Winstons' Peak", we all headed over to the campground that I write of so often. There have been so many quiet Sundays over the past two years, where we bundled up and headed over to build a fire, roast a hotdog, and just listen to the river as it winds it way past our land to points unknown. We'd always take Shane's 3 wheeler, or a lounge chair for him to relax in, until we realized he was happiest just laid out on an old piece of foam beside the thousand year old camper we call our 'humble abode' down there. He's a part of every memory we've created there, and is always there with us now when we wander down..so it seemed appropriate that we make him a part of the place forever after. A memory we all shared was that everytime we ventured down there with the kids, Shane would lay out on his resting place and watch as all the able bodies headed up the humungous hill that encirles our little campground...as we talked about that, Bianca decided that it was finally Shane's turn to climb to the top of that hill he'd watched so intently all the times before, then she and Ryan and Josh grabbed the last few ashes and raced to the top of the hill, hooping and hollering as always, Shane's final ashes nestled in their arms to be released to fly free from the top of that beautiful hill.....how perfect that he finally got to be part of the climb....

"our wanky little campground....home of the next Manitoba Folk Festival?"

The day ended with a wonderful dinner prepared for me by Bianca and Josh.....it was a great end to a very difficult day...but it answered some questions I'd been struggling with in anticipation of the ...I think the question that's haunted me about Mother's day, since Shane's passing....was now my boy is gone, after 17 years....am I still a 'Mom'?....and the question I've struggled with since March 10...If I'm not 'Shane's Mom'....who am I?.... one of my very early blogs when I started the website stated 'you never know where your kids are gonna come from', I was reminded on Sunday once again...we don't always give birth to our 'kids'. And yes, I'm still a "mom"....the structure of life has changed, but I'm still Shane's mom....he's so deep in my heart that I always will be no matter what....and I'm still Bianca's mom, through the world we've created together...so as hard as Mother's Day was...I know that was likely the worst one, and I got through it with the love and support of my family and friends...and I'm still here today putting one foot in front of the other....so another first is under my belt

Till next time...take care,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

Sometimes you need a little femme fix....

A better promotional performer would have been sharing the information about the Femme Fix before it happened last week, rather than after...but a different performer might not have been as uncertain if they would be able to follow through on their commitment as I was. Friday night I performed at the 9th annual Community Living Brandon Femme Fix. It's the third year in a row that I've been the opening act for whoever the mainstage performer is, and the third year in a row all of my closest friends have supported me by joining me for a night out 'with the girls'. This year was particularly iffy, wondering if I'd have what it takes to get through a set with all I've contended with over the past year, but the organizing committee all understood where I was coming from, and supported me with a back-up plan if needed. Fortunately it wasn't and the evening went off without at hitch... and it was great to have a few laughs with my people... IT was needed!

Last week seemed to be just a little bit easier that the seven weeks before it. Maybe the process of healing is finally starting...just a little. For so long I wondered if I was ever going to be able to breathe right again....and there are still so many moments when you catch yourself taking deep, noisy sighs that leave those around questioning whether you're bored or frustrated. I'm neither. I'm just sighing....again....
The week started off rough with more unfinished tasks to be addressed. This time it was returning Shane's wheelchair and equipment to the Children's Rehabilitation Centre in Winnipeg. We've been gracing the doorway of the building at least once a year for the past 16 years...it was so hard to go back there without him, also knowing that it's likely the last time we'll see most of the people that have supported us through so many tough times. It almost did me in for another day, but we decided when the errands were over we'd go to dinner at Moxie's. There I ran into a group of 10 of the students I'd gone to Red River College with last year, all one's who'd decided to stick it out for the second year and complete their Disability and Community Support education. It was really good to connect with them in person...they've all been incredibly supportive of me through Facebook and email over the last 8 weeks, but being face to face is so much better. I was glad that a hard day ended with a reminder of how many good, goodhearted people choose to work in the field that would have supported my son, but still does support so many people I care deeply about. It keeps your feelings of hope alive.
The rest of the week had a number of high points as well...but I'd rather keep the mystery alive until I can share for certain the direction some things are going for me....ooooooh the secretiveness of it all!





Yesterday I decided I had to put in a days work, even though it was Sunday, it seems I've really been struggling to put in solid days accomplishing anything...and it's starting to catch up with me. I actually like committing to something like that on a Sunday now, as weekends are the absolute worst! During the weekdays I can handle the quiet, as with Shane having been in school for the last 12 years, it's what I'd become accustomed to...you just put in your day until he gets home...but once 4 pm comes, it all starts to deteriorate again...as evenings it hits home...but weekends are just so much tougher. Weekends were our time to catch-up, hang out, spend time....now they're just endless days where every nook and cranny in the house reminds you of who's missing...I almost dread them. We'd run away if we could, but we're only half done our calving, and there are still too many heifers in the half that are left to risk not being close by...so instead I work.
After we each put in a good day of actually doing something constructive yesterday, we headed down to the campground by the river, cleaned up some sticks, built a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmallows. It was so quiet...only the sounds of the river flowing, and the birds overhead...with an occasional rippling of leaves when a breeze moved through. It was nice, but it was weird (isn't everything I try to do these days) to just sit, and listen and be....nothing we had to head home for, no one that needed to be relieved, no one that needed to get to bed so that things would be ready to start another fresh week...it's all so strange. It was nice, it's something we'd always said we'd do more time doing when Shane was grown and supported as an adult, but it's something that is hard to enjoy right now, because it doesn't feel right that we're at this place where we can do these things...it wasn't time yet. It's all very messed up it seems, and when you start to feel okay with it, you start to feel bad that you feel okay, so you feel bad again.....man, what a journey.
Anyhow, bottom line is we're still moving forward. We get up each day, and put one foot in front of the other.....we carrying on as best we can...and that's a good thing.....
Later,
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/

Ebbs and flows and ice-jams of life...

Spring in Manitoba typically means watching water forecasts. Rivers run too high, streams overflow their banks and go way too fast, huge chunks of ice suddenly jam together and throw everything off...backing up the water, flooding the surrounding area, creating a disaster, then just as suddenly letting go, and allowing everything to flow smoothly once more.

We've been watching routine of it all unfold down by the little campground we'd created for ourselves by the river. It seems to be quite comparable to the emotional river I'm treading in these days I think. Smooth flowing for a few hours, moving along safely clinging to the 'riverbanks' that I recognize as my life, then suddenly having everything explode with the ice jam of a memory that stops me in my tracks, pushes all my forward momentum back and into territory I don't know, and leaving the mess of myself behind starting from square one again. Emotional whitewater. Wiped out, exhausted.

These pictures were taken last week a day or so after the ice had let go for the last time. My poor campground a collection of ice chunks, instead of campfires...but that's only temporary. The river is so full and powerful right now. The islands in the middle completely emerged in the torrent, you'd have to know they were there to believe it, as there isn't a sign. I'm not big on camping I'm afraid, I never have been...but this place I love. For years and years I've whined that I wanted waterfront property....a place by the lake, or the sea, or somewhere where I could sit still and quietly and have the sounds of the water clear my mind and calm my soul. Three years ago we were down on the field everyone refers to as the 'banana' field, on a bright sunny morning. When I looked to the west at the river, the sun was reflecting diamonds off the water, right back into my eyes, and they were opened for the first time to the fact that I in fact do have water front property after all! With that, we started working on a beautiful little campground where we could sneak away for an evening, afternoon or overnight....without a lot of risk. The risk was that Shane really disliked camping as much as I did...and I don't blame him....the accommodations weren't as comfortable as home, he couldn't defend himself against the mosquitoes (so he counted on our questionable help as we swatted our own!), there was probably lots more that he couldn't express to us. But our little campground seemed to be the answer....it was set up for his comfort, and we could go for short periods of time....being just minutes from home. If it wasn't a great time, travel and gas and hours hadn't been lost getting there....you just headed back to home.

Funny...for all the times we'd tried going places further away that got thwarted because it wasn't a good day for Shane....heading down to our own little spot always seemed to be just fine with him every single time.....he just knew I guess.

For now we'll just wait for the last of the ice to melt and disappear, which will soon be followed by green grass and leaves, and hope for smoother sailing for our hearts....if only it was that simple.

Last week was an exceptionally hard week. I'm horribly conscious of anniversary dates....I envy those who don't have every one etched directly into their hearts and brains, but I'm not one of those. Last week, April 15th marked the 8th anniversary since Greg passed away (Greg was my first husband who died of cancer). I've learned through the years there are certain days that I just have to be alone, April 15th has become one of them. I need to walk through the memories, and sit with the loss on my own somewhere quietly and just let the thoughts and tears come and go as they wish. I've tried on several occasions to just let it be another day, and make plans as if it was, but that never ends up good. Somewhere through the ordinariness of trying to do that, I fall apart...and people always expect answers as to why, or think its about them. No, it's just me, sorry.

This year I ran away to Brandon to manage my day, and allowed myself to be an anonymous tourist in a town that I know so well. There is so much to be said for spending time in mourning in places where no one knows your name. For moments you can forget who you are, and what your story is, and for short flashes...you almost forget your grief. It can be such a momentary relief when that happens. But the truth is you can run, but you can't hide, that came to me so clearly that day.

After I'd had my favorite salad at my favorite Brandon lunch spot (Lady of the Lake), I headed for the Riverbank Discovery centre to sit on a bench with the book I'm reading now, and just be by the river (same one that flows by my place...only my portion of it is sooooo much more peaceful I learned!). There isn't a lot of activity at the centre in mid-April, so sitting by the water's edge seemed to be the right thing for me to do at the time. I found a bench and got out the book I'm currently reading ..."Broken Open: by Elizabeth Lesser"...and attempted to concentrate on the words. But the surrounding sounds really wouldn't let me, and instead transported me over the past several years, taking me back to some of the things that made me the person I know I am today.

To my right, looking west, I could here the buzz of the construction taking place on the new bridge that is being built to support the twinning of 18th Street....not as soul soothing as the river bird sounds I'm used to. On my Left, and to the south was the sounds of the Heartland Auction Mart...and it was sale day. Across the river, I could hear the loading orders being given over the backyard loudspeaker, and listen to the bellows of the calves that were being transported to their next destination, wherever that may have been. My mind journeyed back over 15 years...

From early in our relationship, Greg had seen that I had a knack for managing the cattle operation and the health care of the animals. He decided early, that that was something I should take over and free him up to do the cropping and auto sales that were his passion. To this day it's a bit of a stretch to even imagine what it was that moved him to make such a major decision about such a critical part of our business, but he was convinced that I'd do a better job of it than he, and just stepped back. From there, it seemed for years, every Tuesday I got up early and headed for the auction mart....learning what I needed to know about who were the buyers, what were they looking for, how the whole process went...it was where I garnered a lot of the information I needed to be successful in managing a 1,000 head feedlot, and where I met some really great people who later became friends.

It was an odd beginning though. Not everyone understood what a woman was doing sitting in the stands week after week observing (in the first few weeks I was not welcomed at all, as some folks there thought I must represent an animal rights group the way I sat back and watched) , and lots of the 'fellas' questioned the sanity of a man letting his wife make the kind of decisions etc. that Greg trusted me to make...and as with so many other areas of our life, his answer was always "Lynda can do it."...and he was right.

It was an interesting, and successful part of my life, that I can't say I miss today, but I know through that part of living, I gained so much faith in who I was and what I can accomplish, repeatedly hearing "Lynda can do it...." with such positive assurance. Should we all be so lucky as to have someone in our lives that have such faith in us!

"Lynda can do it.." was a phrase he repeated so often in the last year of his fight through chemo, through having to to sit back and allow others to oversee his precious farm, to questions as to how Shane and I would manage when he was gone.....I guess all these years later, he was right, but at the time I certainly couldn't know for sure. Sitting on that bench, staring into the moving water, I swear I heard his voice repeat that to me yet again....I hope he's right, because there are moments these days where I just don't know.

Eight years later I guess I have learned that the pain does ease, that the memories do remain, that the good stuff sticks in your heart, and the bad times have vanished into the thin air of the past. My hope now, as I'm walking through this dark forest of Shane's loss, is that on the really bad days (and there are still so, so many of those...) that I'm able to reach out to what I know, so that I can survive what is...telling myself "Lynda can do it....." Time will only tell.

Lynda

http://www.musicwriter.ca/

Always...

I'm trying to do bits and pieces of the formidable job ahead of me...a pick up here, a put away there, a pass long now and then. It's so hard, and even after a month has come and gone...I'm still such a lost wanderer in this vast new unknown.
I started going through some of the scrapbook cupboard yesterday...we'd started scrapbooks of so many events, so that when Shane was a adult, and I was no longer here, his story would continue to be told through the records we'd created. It's so hard being reminded just how full my dreams for him were...and what a void there is now that they're over.
Shane loved art class, and met some of his coolest friends when they came into his life as peer helpers. I was looking through last year's art pictures, and found this one...I hadn't really taken notice of it before, but this day it feels like a message from Shane to me...always life, always love, always laugh....oh Shane, how I hope I can again one day soon. This current state is so stifling, so lonely, so strange.
It's Easter Sunday. My big focus today is on trying to clear out all the long dead floral arrangements from the funeral. They are definitely well past their prime, but I just haven't had the heart to move them out yet. I don't yet, by the way my core is knotted trying to accomplish the task, but each day I try to accomplish one small thing that will allow me to feel I made a little step forward. Today it's the flowers...tomorrow...we'll see.

I feel a need to write, write, write...but don't seem to know what to say. I've picked up the guitar a couple of times in the past week, by have made little headway. Maybe this new week will offer some solace.

We're having a spring rain right now....it's helping to wash away some of the dirty, tired snow that still lingers everywhere. I sit and look out the living room window at the hillside, and try to convince myself I can see hints of green it the bare spots that are now exposed...it's a pretty dirty, brown green if I do say so myself...but I'll keep looking.

Mom is preparing an Easter dinner for us today. My heart is not in being surrounded by a crowd here in my little sanctuary, so she's taking on the task. It will be nice to have dinner there..we've done very little of that since losing Dad last year. It will be good for all of us I'm sure.

I feel that I'm in such a dark place right now. I long for some sense of joy to come back into my heart, but it just doesn't seem to be able to make the breakthrough yet. I search my mind for clues as to what might trigger some feeling of excitement, or anticipation or hope...and still I find only a blank slate. I hope I find a way out of this soon. I hope the emptiness starts to refill itself with a feeling of purpose. I hope it soon starts to get easier, and I so fear that it won't. I hope one day soon I'll remember who I am, now that so much has changed.

Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca