The Arrival of Fall and A Night of Miracles....

It’s hard to believe that another six weeks has slipped by me, and I’ve not managed to provide an updated post here! It has been quite a crazy time, and I’d say that’s putting it mildly…but hopefully I can cover much of what’s happened in a few brief paragraphs here.

September was a whirlwind, to put it in the kindest terms. On September 25^th, I started a six month leave of absence from the job I so dearly love. It became apparent a few months after Shane’s passing, that I needed the flexibility to get away and heal, and just distance myself from everything for a while. I’m glad that the organization I work for was kind enough to grant me that space, and hope that the time helps me sort through who I am now…that seems to be the question of the hour most hours. So, needless to say, in order to be away for that much time, a hectic, concentrated effort had to be put into putting things in place for the person stepping into my role. It was a pretty challenging few weeks, especially with harvest in full swing here on the farm. I’ve needed that majority of the four weeks since just to catch my breath! But it’s slowly starting to happen.

Some big changes have happened on the farm as well. We’ve gotten rid of the cow herd….a very bitter sweet time to be sure. There has never been at time in my farming life where cattle were not part of the picture, but with everything else, times change. They’re no longer working for us in a way that’s either financially beneficial or personally fulfilling, and as we age, they’re a lot tougher on tired bodies. But I suppose the biggest factor was that we’d always said when Shane not here, we wouldn’t be tied to the farm because of the cattle…he just bumped up a plan that was already in place for the time he would have moved out on his own.

We survived Thanksgiving….another strange first….another tough day. Oh all these firsts, they can certainly shut you down and stop you in your tracks for a time…but I retained an attitude of gratitude the best that I could, and came out the other side of it.

So here I am…pretty much caught up, waiting for my next big adventure to begin, and twittling my thumbs because the change in weather has shut down what’s left of the harvest for the past couple of weeks! Oh this farming…to be so at the mercy of the weather is…..frustrating would be the gentlest word I can find! It’s a mere 130 acres of beans left to go…but in dollars it’s too much to walk away from for sure, so we wait, and we watch the snow fall, and we cross our fingers that the winds of change will blow our way and bring the sunshine we need. It’s starting to pay off.

Now….onto music! Well, the CD sales for “Just One Life” have been going well! It’s been nice to be in a position where I can truly concentrate on music. So often, it’s been secondary to a hundred other things, now…it’s pretty much front and center for a time. I’ve managed to take in a wee smidge of the WCMA’s in Brandon…but the timing was off for enjoying too much of the weekend. I also attended a songwriter’s session in Winnipeg that netted some good ideas and information. Lots of time has been spent just catching up on the administrative end of music here at home, and practicing for the events I do have lined up.

As I’d mentioned before, I didn’t think I had what it would take to participate in a large CD release party this go round, so instead we set up a few House Concerts to introduce the music. The first was held last Friday in Brandon and was graciously hosted by Paul and Mark in their home.

It was a wonderful evening, with a terrific , appreciative audience, and was exactly what I needed to get into the swing of things. Some tunes were tough…I knew they would be. Everything is too from the heart and personal for there not to be some raw areas at this stage of the game, but it all went well, now I’m preparing for the next one in Rossendale this Friday.

Saturday was a wonderful ‘Night of Miracles’ in Winnipeg. I was contacted a couple of weeks ago by the Children’s Rehabilitation Centre Foundation people to see if they could use the song “When you Look at Me (Shane’s Song)” as part of a power point presentation to show the funders and supporters the kids that their dollars support and the ways that lives are improved. Cec and I were invited to go as guests for the evening, and what an evening it was. Lots of it was very hard…the Rehab Centre was a place we spent countless hours of our lives having assessments, equipment fittings, chair adjustments…but over the course of a 17 year life, you meet a lot of wonderful people, and they become part of what your new world is. As hard as it might have been, it was an honor to have my music being used in the manner for which it was intended...to open eyes and hearts to those who do things just a little differently.

A strange thing happened at the event that night. There was a silent auction that we made a few bids on. There were getaways to places we’d wanted to see anyways, and if getting them also helped contribute to the Children’s Rehab Foundation, then it really made sense to go for it there. After losing several items to higher bidders, the night wound down, and I found myself the winner of a one night getaway to a hotel we’ve been trying to find time to try for about a year now. I thought the package I was bidding on included a couple of pieces of luggage…that I really had no use for, but the total price made it okay. However, when I won, they gave me a small bag with my certificate only. I was a little stumped, but thought in all the hullabaloo I must have been mistaken, so I was kinda scratching me head as to what to do about it. While we stood in the foyer we found ourselves having the chance to talk to another couple who’d shared both our table for the evening, and the life we had with Shane. As we chatted, I looked a little deeper into the bag I’d been given, and there at the bottom was a Swarovski Crystal gift box. I opened it up, and inside was the most beautiful pair of crystal butterfly earrings! I hadn’t noticed any such thing on the bidding tables! It could be just a very strange coincidence…but I wonder if it could have been someone peeking in to say “I’m here with you…. you’re doing fine.”?

And that brings us to where things are at right now. So until next time…

Take care,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

New CD "Just One Life" now available.....

Well, finally, finally, finally!!

My second CD is finished, and is in my hands. “Just One Life” is now available for anyone interested in purchasing a copy. The CD includes the songs “Won’t Say Goodbye”, “When you Look at Me (Shane’s Song)”, “When she Dreams”, “Middle Aged Woman” and 10 other original songs written since the release of my last CD “Reflections” in 2006.

I’ve decided that with the events of the last several months still weighing so heavily on my heart, that at this time, I won’t be having a large CD Release Party to introduce my latest collection to the greater public. Rather we will be setting up several small house concerts as the days move along, where smaller, more intimate groups of friends can gather and be introduced to the new songs a little at a time. It just feels much more manageable to me, and that's the feeling I go with these days. If you’re interested in hosting a House Concert, or in attending one, drop me a line and we’ll see what can be put together.

It will be no surprise to anyone to know that this CD is dedicated to the memory of my son Shane, and with that I’ve also decided that 25% of all CD and performance sales will be going towards continuing the memorial fund that has been established in his name, to celebrate and promote inclusion for all of us, and to remind us of the difference that ‘Just One Life’ can truly make.

“Just One Life’ retails for $20 CDN and payment can be made by cash, cheque, MasterCard or Visa, just drop me a line or give me a phone call, and we’ll arrange delivery of your copy.
As always, thanks for all the ongoing support! And thanks for your part in making my one life so remarkable, in spite of the ups and downs of it!

It's exciting to have something to focus on at this time, and nice that it's something that will help me to continue honoring a beautiful young man. I know in recent months this blog has been more about my walk through grief than about my musical accomplishments, but that's okay. That's what's been needed. There have been some really, really decent days, and there have been some very, very bad days. But, what I'm learning more and more, is that I don't have to go through any of it alone, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

Lots has happened since my last post in July. Some really big decisions have been made to make some changes in life for the upcoming months that will hopefully facilitate the healing process and allow time to be, to breathe and to focus on the things that I need right now...namely my spirit and my music. I've graciously been granted a leave from work, and have everything in place to ensure that home is safe and protected, and with that my husband and I are venturing out to Salt Spring Island for a few months, where my hope is that the place that has always soothed me, will do so once again, and give me what I need to start moving forward. It's been a long time coming, and we'll see how it all goes, and with everything else, time will tell. But taking time is what is needed.

I've survived another number of firsts since my last writing....my first funeral I was honored and able to sing at, my first time holding a beautiful little baby boy without losing it at the memory of my lost one, and my first birthday with out him being among some of the big ones. Shane was always very good at my early morning birthday hoot...and with help, always managed to get me the most beautiful birthday card. He'd always be waiting in his bed, grasping it tightly in one of those fists of his, and smiling from ear to ear. This birthday was celebrated out on Salt Spring as we shopped for cheap furniture deals to get our 'hippie pad' set up a bit for the upcoming months, and in honesty, I don't know that Shane wasn't there celebrating with me....

on the afternoon of my birthday, we decided to drive up to Mount Maxwell so that my Mom, who was travelling with us, could see the view from the top. When she'd last been to SSI with us, in 2004 when we got married, she stayed with Shane at the rental while we toured the other family members up to see the beauty of the place. As we wandered around, looking at the various views of the island from so far above, I noticed one, lone butterfly that kept fluttering by me, then away, only to return moments later. It got to the point where I really did have to pay attention to it, because it seemed no matter what I was looking at over the mountains edge, he would sweep into my field of vision again. After a short while, we started heading back to the car, and once again the butterfly flitted by, only to land a few short feet away from me and perched on a blade of grass. I decided that he warranted having his picture taken, and so I snuck up behind him, certain he'd take off again in seconds...but he didn't, he just sat swaying on the blade of grass until I was so close, I could have touched him. As I lined up to take the picture, I realized he had part of one wing missing, but he still managed to fly effortlessly around me, until I took notice. As the months move along, and I keep looking for meaning and purpose in what has happened over the past year, I keep coming upon so many writings that reflect the spiritual nature of the butterfly, of how they're viewed by so many as a symbol of rebirth and transformation...and I'm still looking for answers to so many questions, but at that moment on that day, I think Shane was seeing the view from the top of Mount Maxwell with me. It made the day just better, that's all.

I'm gathering a collection of earthbound angels these days as well, people who come into my life from all sorts of different places, that I'm making connections with. There's my everyday circle, who've never let me sink. There are people that I'd lost track of years ago, who've resurfaced and provided their support as I walk through this unknown territory. There are new people who I've never met who support me through my dark days, and celebrate the good ones with me through their notes and posts on the Internet. People that remind me I'm never alone. People that I'm so grateful for, who remind me through their own journey and story, that as much as I miss my son, we did have a hard life together. Somehow through grief, you forget the bad times, the surgeries, the scary days in the hospital, the close calls, the horrible things that the disease and time did to a beautiful little body. Even though I'm heartsick for what another child has to go through as he follows his own path, I'm grateful that I'm having a chance to be reminded it wasn't all roses for Shane either, that he struggled with a lot of pain and a lot of frustration that we could never truly understand. As much as I miss him, and as much as I always will, from time to time I feel myself wondering if maybe he wasn't just ready for that to all end, and maybe he is that free flying butterfly now...or in another form, free from pain and spasms and devices....and some days that thought makes the sadness and the pain a little easier to bare.

Anyhow, that's where things are at these days. I'm finally back into the routine of my daily walk, and that helps me get rid of the cobwebs that the bad hours leave in my head, and remind me that it's still a beautiful world...with every morning offering new things to see, and sounds to hear in the nature that surrounds me. And I think in finalizing the decisions necessary to finish this album up, I have been reminded that I too have 'just one life', and I don't for a minute think Shane would want me wallowing it away, so each day I work hard at trying to feel just a little bit better than my heart is wanting to, and I think just maybe it's starting to work....

till next time,

Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca

Moving through the days....

No reason for the picture above, except I like it....not representative of anything right now(except maybe a yearning for the sense of peace that the water brings me)...it's just a memory of time spent on Mayne Island in June, and the beauty that can be captured there. Truth is I love photography....sometimes I wish I'd followed more of my passions in my early years...I wonder what I'd be doing now? Oh well, the good news is that I'm fortunate enough to get to dabble with them at this stage of life...

Been an on/off week. Things seemed to be going okay, but then for no apparent reason, another melt down hits me, and I'm stalled in my tracks again. It's an endless wave, this grief. Days go by where you think that it's finally subsiding, then up she rises again. It's all very exhausting, and frustrating, as there's so much that I'd love to get done or accomplished in a day, and so often I just can't get things done. Hate that!

Was going through some pictures from our vacation in June and found the ones below, taken from the ferry on the ride over to Salt Spring. I'd forgotten all about it almost, and finally looked it up today. We were going across the ferry and looked up at the sun (for some silly reason...not likely the safest thing to do, but whatever!)...and there was a complete circle around it, extremely beautiful but eerily strange to look at. Apparently it's called a 22 degree Halo...as explained below. Here I thought it was some psychic phenomena I was experiencing!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A 22° halo is a rather frequently appearing halo, an optical phenomenon forming a circle 22° around the sun, or occasionally the moon. It forms as sunlight is refracted in hexagonal ice crystals suspended in the atmosphere. As the light beam passes through two sides of the prism forming a 60° angle, the angle of minimum deviation is almost 22° (e.g. 21,84° in average; 21,54° for red and 22.37 for blue.) This wavelength-dependent variation in refraction causes the inner edge of the circle to be reddish while the outer edge is bluish.^[1] A 22° Halo may be visible on as many as 100 days per year.^[2]

Pathway of light through a hexagonal prism in the optimal angle resulting in minimum deviation.

Light passing through the hexagonal ice prisms is deflected twice which produces deviation angles ranging from 22° to 50°. Lesser deviation results in a brighter halo along the inner edge of the circle, while greater deviation contribute to the weaker outer part of the halo. As no light is refracted at smaller angles than 22° the sky is darker inside the halo. ^[3]

22° halos form when the sky contains millions of poorly oriented ice crystals. Some of these happen to be aligned perpendicular to the sun light as viewed by one observer which produces the illuminated 22° circle, while other crystals produces the same phenomenon for other observers. An Alexander's band can be seen inside the halo. ^[4]

Like other ice halos, 22° halos appear when the sky is covered by thin cirrus clouds containing the ice crystals which causes the phenomenon. Small colourful coronas much nearer the sun produced by water droplets can occasionally be confused with 22° halos. ^[5]

Okay, so I guess it's easily explained...but still pretty cool, gotta admit!








Busy here trying to wrap up finishing details so I can get the cd to production. Busy trying to pick out pictures, and make sure I have what I need done, but it's exciting to be back at this stage again. I'm worried about how I'm going to release this one...the year has left me battered, and I don't see myself the centre of a cd release party this round, but maybe by the time I have things ready, I'll be in a better place emotionally. I'm really happy with how this one is turning out, and the songs that are on it. Sometimes I listen to the master and worry that there's too many songs about loss and grief, especially after the last year and a half, when many of the songs were written. I've decided just to go with it as is, as there's some humor and general stories as well. As for the grief, I figure it's the one equalizing factor for all of us....none of us come out of this unscathed, and maybe what I've written to help myself and other's get through our losses might help the next guy as well....who knows.
Anyhow, off to put on my other hat now, and sort cows....whoooweeee fun Sunday stuff!
Till next time,
Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca

Memories of a busy June...

June was a month to remember, a month of tough firsts, a month of baby steps moving forward. It started off with a much needed escape to the coast. Since Shane's passing I spend much of my weekend throwing myself into work so that the time that should be spent with him isn't so overwhelmingly heartbreaking. On Mother's day weekend, while working at my computer, Air Canada sent an email offering a wonderful rate for trips to Vancouver. I grabbed the flights!
We went out, immediately renting a car a heading for the ferry that would take us to Salt Spring Island. It was where we got married in 2004, and where we decided to spend this year's anniversary.
There is something about landing on that island that always gives me this feeling of 'aahhh, I'm home.' It draws me back year after year, and this year was no exception. From the time I landed the vice that has clenched my heart for months now released slightly, and I felt the weight lift off me for the first time in ages. I actually felt I could breathe, and for a short while the sadness lessened. It was such a welcome respite!
After a few days there, we made our way back to the mainland, visiting a dear friend on Mayne Island, then to Maple Ridge to spend time with friends and family there. I also finished the recording of the last two songs that are going on the cd, which now finally feels like it's ready for production.

This year, on Father's Day (June 21, 2009), 5 of my coworkers, as well as Cecil, Ryan and I all walked the 10 K portion of the Manitoba Marathon in Shane's memory. Through so many generous contributions, we collected $2,400 for Marathon, which raises money to support Manitoba's living with intellectual disabilities to live full, rich lives in community. I was actually amazed at the support we received, considering how generous people have already been in Shane's memory over the past several months in supporting the Children's Rehab centre, Sunshine Dreams and Variety club. It was quite remarkable. It was also remarkable that I managed to get through. The day Shane died was the day my walking stopped...which I had been so proud of darnit! Anyhow, in the months between his death and the marathon, I only was able to walk twice...the rest of the time my hips were just too crazy sore to think about it. I was very scared that after having raised so much, and committed to it that I wouldn't be able to complete the event (even more worried that I might not be able to start!)..strangely, the day before I met a lady who felt she could be of some assistance by giving me a Reiki treatment...something I'd barely heard of, let alone had...so I decided it couldn't hurt to try, and I can honestly say though much of what happened is beyond my understanding, I got through the walk, my hips have hurt very little since, and that day was the start of my getting back into my daily 45 minute walk routine. It feels so good to be doing that for myself again...now if I can just get the rest of my world back on some sort of track!



Marathon Beauties: THE LIFERS (at 6:30 am....way too fresh!)



The Home Team (tired and blistered, but so happy to have participated and FINISHED!!)


June 25th marked another tough day, but one more day I was happy to be able to get through (I won't say alone, because I believe with every fibre that Shane was standing by my side, supporting me through it.) June 25th was Graduation at Shane's school, MacGregor Collegiate Institute. I had decided that this had to be the first year of the "Shane Dickson Memorial Award" for inclusion, and was determined to present it myself. It went like this:

For many years now, Manitoba department of Education, Citizenship and Youth has been committed to inclusion in schools throughout the province. They define inclusion as a way of thinking and acting that allows every individual to feel accepted, valued and safe. An inclusive community consciously evolves to meet the changing needs of it’s members. Through recognition and support, an inclusive community provides meaningful involvement and equal access to the benefits of citizenship.

Miller and Katz define inclusion as “a sense of belonging, feeling respected, valued for who you are, and feeling a level of supportive energy and commitment from others so you can do your best work.”

When we started looking at what the educational world for Shane Dickson was going to look like in the mid nineties, there were questions as to what we would be able to teach a child with his kinds of needs. What we didn’t realize was how much Shane was going to teach all of us. Shane’s years in both the elementary and collegiate schools of Macgregor proved to be a shining example of what inclusion could and should look like, as staff and students worked together to make his experience here the best it could be. Along the way, Shane always showed us the value of that commitment as he continued to blossom and grow within the environment created for him. He showed us that through a committed effort and the right attitude, regardless of a child’s challenges they could still be part of the whole.

At the time of his passing in March, Shane was saving towards a trip to California to explore and enhance communication systems that would allow him to keep helping the rest of us to keep moving forward, promoting inclusion for all persons. His family has decided that that money will continue to promote the philosophy of inclusion by turning it into an annual Memorial award in Shane’s name. This $500 award will go to the graduating student or students who most exemplifies an understanding of the importance of including all members of the student body through their words, actions and acceptance of others…for the way they support those around them to feel that they belong and are valued exactly as they are. It will not be tied into furthering education in any given field, recognizing that the people chosen may decide to use their gifts in many ways, and this will allow them to do so.

It’s a honor for me to present the first annual award to Stephen Zacharias, who has shown that personality strength over the course of time. It’s hoped that this award will encourage Stephen to go out into the world and continue to make the same positive difference in the lives of others as he made in the life of Shane.

I choked on the last few words, as once I got Stephen's name out, the rest kinda fell apart, but that's okay. The award landed where it was most deserved, and I'll be working hard to ensure that each year from here on out, that award will be available to keep Shane's memory and lessons to us all very much alive!

I think that about covers June, and once again, I'll try to get back here a little more often, but there are lots of crazy, exciting things happening over the next few months....and I'll share them as things solidify. For now, it's off for my walk, where yesterday I came across two baby skunks! They were very, very cute in their efforts to 'scare' me and Buddy off! I know I won't find them as cute in about 2 months when I'm working at getting their stink off my dogs, but for now....hey, they're babies!


Till next time,
Lynda

www.musicwriter.ca