Monday, May 18, 2009

An Angel in Disguise...and Women of Substance

As mentioned before, last weekend was particularly tough for me...my first Mother's Day without my boy...all so unbelievable really. I'd worked really hard at bracing myself for that day, and got through it somehow, but I think once it passed I let my guard down, seeing myself as having succeeded. One thing you can not do at this stage of grief is to let your guard down. It opens the doors for another flood of tears and heartache every time. So that's what happened...I got through Sunday, fell apart Monday, spent the rest of the week trying to pick up the pieces...the cycle continues. But I'm starting to realize more and more that somehow you get what you need, just when you need it, and this week my realizations were affirmed once again.




Emerald

It started with an email I got in the middle of the week sent to me through my facebook page, from a young lady named Emerald Kehler. Emerald and I have never had the privilege of meeting, but through our mutual connection to Shane she reached out, not knowing what a critical time it was for me.

First, a little history. Shane was one of the first generations of children with severe disabilities to be supported in the mainstream life of school. It took a lot of team effort by a lot of committed people to facilitate such successful inclusion for that young man. We all worked hard together to ensure that his education would happen as part of the typical school setting, and be individualized as needed to ensure that his needs were met as well. We did a great job, particularly with the students, however that didn't save me from receiving the anonymous letter from a "concerned parent" in September of 2004 telling me of how they felt he should be in a separate 'specialty' school, that their tax dollars were being wasted, that they'd get a petition going to make it happen....some day, when I'm back in a stronger place, I'll share the whole thing. But for now, suffice it to say, someone who didn't have the courage to sign their name, managed to enforce our resolve that Shane did need to be in that 'typical' setting, so that the next generation of parents would have a clearer understanding of how all students he connects with are benefiting, and won't be sending stupid letters to other parents who struggle with the day to day challenges of having a child with special needs. We know from all the wonderful things that have happened since Shane's passing just how successful we were at what we did and how those ripples of understanding are going to touch countless numbers of people we'll never know about, but the ripples of that have also started to come back to me, to help me through the tough days as well, and one such ripple was in the form of the story that Emerald wrote about Shane that she shared with me......it went as follows...

Hello Lynda, you may not know me, but i was friends with Shane, and I just wanted you to know how he changed my life. I know he did wonders in a lot of peoples lives. I wrote a story about him. I hope you like it..

An Angel In Disguise
Friends are the family we get to choose ourselves. Shane and I met back in elementary he was in grade 5, I was in grade 4. I had just moved to a new school and had very few friends, I remember the first time Shane an I met. It was lunch and Shane and Mrs. Hill were walking down the hallway and I was walking the other way, when Mrs. Hill said hello i immediately said hello back, but then I felt bad because i knew Shane couldn't talk. As I was about to walk away completely embarrassed something completely amazing that would change my life forever happened, Shane turned his head, looked at me with his big sparkly blue eyes and started laughing. From that day on I always made sure to say hi and have a little chat with Shane whenever I could.
As days slipped into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years we all grew up, and Shane continued to brighten my day when I thought it couldn't get any worse. Shane didn't care what I looked like or where I came from he wanted to be my friend anyway and it felt amazing. Shane always laughed at the most serious moments, there was this time during the moment of silence Shane started laughing, I thought it was funny and started giggling, by the end of the moment everyone was in stitches!
Shane was the only one who could make me laugh when I was a blink away from crying. Though Shane had many struggles from birth he was always teaching, and the people around him continued to learn. Some things he taught me is one smile can make someone else's day so much better, also that when people think you can't do things it's just more reason to fight through the struggle and prove them all wrong, and even when you going through a lot you can still give, and help someone else! Lastly when your looking for a hero don't look on the outside because their just regular people, look on the inside and you will find your hero, Shane was my hero. Shane's life was only 17 short years, he taught everyday he was here, proved many people wrong too many times to count, and loved everyone he cared for with all his heart. Things that I remember so vividly when I think of Shane is his smile was amazing, completely indescribable, his laugh was so infectious, completely unforgettable, and a small frail boy with a huge heart of gold.
I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you now understand how much Shane helped me in all my dark moments. Take care. Emerald Kehler

Thank you Emerald...I hope you know how much you helped me through some of my dark days as well.

I had another exciting thing happen last week as well. I submit a lot of stuff electronically through a site called "Sonicbids"...it's such an amazing time in history where you can send your thoughts and music to points all over the world, promoting and sharing what you do. Last week I got word that "When she Dreams" has been chosen for radio play by an internet radio station out of California called "Women of Substance" ....I figure Shane is out there in the universe working his magic, making sure Mom gets something sent her way to keep her spirits up....this week there was a lot of lifting being done!

http://www.live365.com/stations/breenoble

"Women of Substance" Radio is a streaming, online radio station which airs 24/7 on the Live365 Network. The station features female artists and singer/songwriters that deliver high quality music that speaks to listeners through vocal excellence, depth of character and emotion. "Women Of Substance" features label artists and Indie artists side by side within the playlist giving lesser known artists the opportunity to be heard alongside women who have already been recognized for their excellence in their genre by mainstream media.They are working hard to promote the fantastic Indie artists on their station. They have featured station ads on Live365.com and are spreading the word about their artists' news, shows and music through blogs and targeted marketing on sites like Facebook and MySpace. Each month's top 5 Indie songs are featured on WOS Radio's MySpace and Facebook pages as well.Their listeners enjoy many different genres. The only criteria is that they play great songs. They develop and promote many genre-specific and topical shows. See their station page for show schedule. This is a great gig for any female artist to gain exposure. The station owners are always looking for more ways to promote their artists, so "stay tuned".

I don't have any word on when the song might be aired, only that it will...if I hear more I'll let you know...but for now, this is a good start from where I am.
Till next time,
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A new kind of Mother's Day....


May 10, 2009 was a very different kind of Mother's day...the kind every mother would dread, the kind that leaves your heart in so many tiny pieces, that the chances seem slim that it will ever go back together properly...it was the kind of Mother's day that I had. Ironically, May 10 was the same date as my very first Mother's day...1992, the day my beautiful baby boy was christened, before the challenges started, before the doctors, and the therapists and the 'special' equipment and needs. When all there was was my beautiful 4 month old son and all the dreams that he held. I look back at the pictures now, and would never in a million years have believed the journey we took together, or that it had ended so soon.


In a round about way, I did spend this Mother's Day with my boy, not as I'd have wished under any different circumstances, but in a way that helped me to gain some closure. It seemed appropriate that this be the day that we spread his ashes...until now, he's sat patiently in a corner of my office, waiting for Mom to be ready....that was very much the story of his life I'm sure...but he was wonderful with the gift of patience he offered all of us as we bumbled along the uncharted road we travelled together. I'd planned it to be a very private event, with just Cecil, and I and the urn...but Shane's adored 'sister' Bianca heard my plans and wondered what time to be there, then my Mom heard my plans and wanted to be part of it all, then it turned out our grandson Ryan was with us for the weekend..and he'd spent so many of the last years weekends with Shane, this would be just one more. So Sunday afternoon we headed up to the edge of the land we all call the 'escarpment'...a place where hours and hours have been spent pondering the questions of the heart...the place where Greg rests watching over the land he so loved...the place where I go when I need time to think, and to remember, and sometimes to cry. The place where the legend of Winston Merry lives....the most beautiful place in my world....


The picture above was one taken at exactly that place, in happier times when both Dad and Shane (and of course Shane's best friend Trem) were there to breathe in the soft scents of nature, and embrace the beauty of our valley...Sunday Dad and Shane were together once more. I didn't have the heart of the ability to write something to send my boy off into forever, but found the beautiful words of the funeral poem

"Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep"

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there: I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints off snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn's rain


Do not stand by my grave and mourn

I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn

Where tranquil oceans meet the land

I am the footprints in the sand

To guide you through the weary day

I am still here, I'll always stay


When you wake up to the morning hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cryI am not there: I did not die


It seemed to represent well what was in our hearts, as we released Shane to the wind....


When we finished up at the escarpment, lovingly refered to as "Winstons' Peak", we all headed over to the campground that I write of so often. There have been so many quiet Sundays over the past two years, where we bundled up and headed over to build a fire, roast a hotdog, and just listen to the river as it winds it way past our land to points unknown. We'd always take Shane's 3 wheeler, or a lounge chair for him to relax in, until we realized he was happiest just laid out on an old piece of foam beside the thousand year old camper we call our 'humble abode' down there. He's a part of every memory we've created there, and is always there with us now when we wander down..so it seemed appropriate that we make him a part of the place forever after. A memory we all shared was that everytime we ventured down there with the kids, Shane would lay out on his resting place and watch as all the able bodies headed up the humungous hill that encirles our little campground...as we talked about that, Bianca decided that it was finally Shane's turn to climb to the top of that hill he'd watched so intently all the times before, then she and Ryan and Josh grabbed the last few ashes and raced to the top of the hill, hooping and hollering as always, Shane's final ashes nestled in their arms to be released to fly free from the top of that beautiful hill.....how perfect that he finally got to be part of the climb....



"our wanky little campground....home of the next Manitoba Folk Festival?"


The day ended with a wonderful dinner prepared for me by Bianca and Josh.....it was a great end to a very difficult day...but it answered some questions I'd been struggling with in anticipation of the ...I think the question that's haunted me about Mother's day, since Shane's passing....was now my boy is gone, after 17 years....am I still a 'Mom'?....and the question I've struggled with since March 10...If I'm not 'Shane's Mom'....who am I?.... one of my very early blogs when I started the website stated 'you never know where your kids are gonna come from', I was reminded on Sunday once again...we don't always give birth to our 'kids'. And yes, I'm still a "mom"....the structure of life has changed, but I'm still Shane's mom....he's so deep in my heart that I always will be no matter what....and I'm still Bianca's mom, through the world we've created together...so as hard as Mother's Day was...I know that was likely the worst one, and I got through it with the love and support of my family and friends...and I'm still here today putting one foot in front of the other....so another first is under my belt
Till next time...take care,
Lynda

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Sometimes you need a little femme fix....


A better promotional performer would have been sharing the information about the Femme Fix before it happened last week, rather than after...but a different performer might not have been as uncertain if they would be able to follow through on their commitment as I was. Friday night I performed at the 9th annual Community Living Brandon Femme Fix. It's the third year in a row that I've been the opening act for whoever the mainstage performer is, and the third year in a row all of my closest friends have supported me by joining me for a night out 'with the girls'. This year was particularly iffy, wondering if I'd have what it takes to get through a set with all I've contended with over the past year, but the organizing committee all understood where I was coming from, and supported me with a back-up plan if needed. Fortunately it wasn't and the evening went off without at hitch... and it was great to have a few laughs with my people... IT was needed!

Last week seemed to be just a little bit easier that the seven weeks before it. Maybe the process of healing is finally starting...just a little. For so long I wondered if I was ever going to be able to breathe right again....and there are still so many moments when you catch yourself taking deep, noisy sighs that leave those around questioning whether you're bored or frustrated. I'm neither. I'm just sighing....again....
The week started off rough with more unfinished tasks to be addressed. This time it was returning Shane's wheelchair and equipment to the Children's Rehabilitation Centre in Winnipeg. We've been gracing the doorway of the building at least once a year for the past 16 years...it was so hard to go back there without him, also knowing that it's likely the last time we'll see most of the people that have supported us through so many tough times. It almost did me in for another day, but we decided when the errands were over we'd go to dinner at Moxie's. There I ran into a group of 10 of the students I'd gone to Red River College with last year, all one's who'd decided to stick it out for the second year and complete their Disability and Community Support education. It was really good to connect with them in person...they've all been incredibly supportive of me through Facebook and email over the last 8 weeks, but being face to face is so much better. I was glad that a hard day ended with a reminder of how many good, goodhearted people choose to work in the field that would have supported my son, but still does support so many people I care deeply about. It keeps your feelings of hope alive.
The rest of the week had a number of high points as well...but I'd rather keep the mystery alive until I can share for certain the direction some things are going for me....ooooooh the secretiveness of it all!





Yesterday I decided I had to put in a days work, even though it was Sunday, it seems I've really been struggling to put in solid days accomplishing anything...and it's starting to catch up with me. I actually like committing to something like that on a Sunday now, as weekends are the absolute worst! During the weekdays I can handle the quiet, as with Shane having been in school for the last 12 years, it's what I'd become accustomed to...you just put in your day until he gets home...but once 4 pm comes, it all starts to deteriorate again...as evenings it hits home...but weekends are just so much tougher. Weekends were our time to catch-up, hang out, spend time....now they're just endless days where every nook and cranny in the house reminds you of who's missing...I almost dread them. We'd run away if we could, but we're only half done our calving, and there are still too many heifers in the half that are left to risk not being close by...so instead I work.
After we each put in a good day of actually doing something constructive yesterday, we headed down to the campground by the river, cleaned up some sticks, built a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmallows. It was so quiet...only the sounds of the river flowing, and the birds overhead...with an occasional rippling of leaves when a breeze moved through. It was nice, but it was weird (isn't everything I try to do these days) to just sit, and listen and be....nothing we had to head home for, no one that needed to be relieved, no one that needed to get to bed so that things would be ready to start another fresh week...it's all so strange. It was nice, it's something we'd always said we'd do more time doing when Shane was grown and supported as an adult, but it's something that is hard to enjoy right now, because it doesn't feel right that we're at this place where we can do these things...it wasn't time yet. It's all very messed up it seems, and when you start to feel okay with it, you start to feel bad that you feel okay, so you feel bad again.....man, what a journey.
Anyhow, bottom line is we're still moving forward. We get up each day, and put one foot in front of the other.....we carrying on as best we can...and that's a good thing.....
Later,
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/