Sometimes you need a little femme fix....

A better promotional performer would have been sharing the information about the Femme Fix before it happened last week, rather than after...but a different performer might not have been as uncertain if they would be able to follow through on their commitment as I was. Friday night I performed at the 9th annual Community Living Brandon Femme Fix. It's the third year in a row that I've been the opening act for whoever the mainstage performer is, and the third year in a row all of my closest friends have supported me by joining me for a night out 'with the girls'. This year was particularly iffy, wondering if I'd have what it takes to get through a set with all I've contended with over the past year, but the organizing committee all understood where I was coming from, and supported me with a back-up plan if needed. Fortunately it wasn't and the evening went off without at hitch... and it was great to have a few laughs with my people... IT was needed!

Last week seemed to be just a little bit easier that the seven weeks before it. Maybe the process of healing is finally starting...just a little. For so long I wondered if I was ever going to be able to breathe right again....and there are still so many moments when you catch yourself taking deep, noisy sighs that leave those around questioning whether you're bored or frustrated. I'm neither. I'm just sighing....again....
The week started off rough with more unfinished tasks to be addressed. This time it was returning Shane's wheelchair and equipment to the Children's Rehabilitation Centre in Winnipeg. We've been gracing the doorway of the building at least once a year for the past 16 years...it was so hard to go back there without him, also knowing that it's likely the last time we'll see most of the people that have supported us through so many tough times. It almost did me in for another day, but we decided when the errands were over we'd go to dinner at Moxie's. There I ran into a group of 10 of the students I'd gone to Red River College with last year, all one's who'd decided to stick it out for the second year and complete their Disability and Community Support education. It was really good to connect with them in person...they've all been incredibly supportive of me through Facebook and email over the last 8 weeks, but being face to face is so much better. I was glad that a hard day ended with a reminder of how many good, goodhearted people choose to work in the field that would have supported my son, but still does support so many people I care deeply about. It keeps your feelings of hope alive.
The rest of the week had a number of high points as well...but I'd rather keep the mystery alive until I can share for certain the direction some things are going for me....ooooooh the secretiveness of it all!





Yesterday I decided I had to put in a days work, even though it was Sunday, it seems I've really been struggling to put in solid days accomplishing anything...and it's starting to catch up with me. I actually like committing to something like that on a Sunday now, as weekends are the absolute worst! During the weekdays I can handle the quiet, as with Shane having been in school for the last 12 years, it's what I'd become accustomed to...you just put in your day until he gets home...but once 4 pm comes, it all starts to deteriorate again...as evenings it hits home...but weekends are just so much tougher. Weekends were our time to catch-up, hang out, spend time....now they're just endless days where every nook and cranny in the house reminds you of who's missing...I almost dread them. We'd run away if we could, but we're only half done our calving, and there are still too many heifers in the half that are left to risk not being close by...so instead I work.
After we each put in a good day of actually doing something constructive yesterday, we headed down to the campground by the river, cleaned up some sticks, built a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmallows. It was so quiet...only the sounds of the river flowing, and the birds overhead...with an occasional rippling of leaves when a breeze moved through. It was nice, but it was weird (isn't everything I try to do these days) to just sit, and listen and be....nothing we had to head home for, no one that needed to be relieved, no one that needed to get to bed so that things would be ready to start another fresh week...it's all so strange. It was nice, it's something we'd always said we'd do more time doing when Shane was grown and supported as an adult, but it's something that is hard to enjoy right now, because it doesn't feel right that we're at this place where we can do these things...it wasn't time yet. It's all very messed up it seems, and when you start to feel okay with it, you start to feel bad that you feel okay, so you feel bad again.....man, what a journey.
Anyhow, bottom line is we're still moving forward. We get up each day, and put one foot in front of the other.....we carrying on as best we can...and that's a good thing.....
Later,
Lynda
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