I think it happened at about 9:30 am last Saturday morning when I felt something just snap. The pace of the last 3 months had been starting to overwhelm me, but it was that day I realized that it really all had become just too much. I felt myself panicking internally over things that didn't merit panic, and I realized I'd lost my balance, I was toppling badly, and at risk of crashing. Something had to give.
I've been reorganizing my days in my mind in the hours since then, and am finally getting to the place where the plan can be put into action. Sometimes it takes a little space and time to make the changes that you need to see in your life. I got through my commitments that were scheduled up until Tuesday night. Celebrated the end of the chaos by melting into the concert, then went back to the hotel and reaffirmed for myself what really matters.
I love to walk, so today I reinstated my morning walks into what needs to happen for my spirit to feel honored. It was a great, great walk. I started out by walking through the cattle pens where two new calves had been born in the night. As much as I claim I've had my fill of cattle, I know deep down I still have the passion that was passed down through my generations of doing a job well raising them, and the satisfaction of seeing them awakening to the first hours of their new lives.
After the check was done, I headed south to the edge of what we all call the escarpment. I doubt that's the right name, but who cares. It's a high ridge that overlooks the Assiniboine River. My neighbors are cottagers from Winnipeg, the Kowalchuk family. Years ago they took to mowing a trail along that ridge that runs from their quarter along mine. I'd forgotten what a great place that was to be until this morning.
I headed up to what I call Winston's Point (my next album will have a song that explains that). The picture I've inserted today shows you the beautiful view that we enjoy from up there. I spent a little time leaning on the inukshuk that we have up there in memory of my first husband, Greg Dobbin. I read the plaque and remembered once again how deeply those that are ingrained in our hearts are still loved. It struck me once again how brief this ride on the big wheel is.
I followed the trail all the way back to the Kowalchuks yard site then headed for home. I remembered how blessed I am. I reminded myself how much of my life is spent running from point "a" to point "b", and how often the important things get shelved. I'm going to have to start working to make sure that stops happening.
It was a great walk. The grass was greener. The leaves are all opening. The songbirds have returned and were singing their hearts out. My spirit and I were reconnected. I have to consciously find ways to ensure that we stay that way.
I've been realizing a lot lately. Like how how many of the things I long for and dream of I already possess. I just need to open my eyes and realize that more often.
Lynda
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