Always...

I'm trying to do bits and pieces of the formidable job ahead of me...a pick up here, a put away there, a pass long now and then. It's so hard, and even after a month has come and gone...I'm still such a lost wanderer in this vast new unknown.
I started going through some of the scrapbook cupboard yesterday...we'd started scrapbooks of so many events, so that when Shane was a adult, and I was no longer here, his story would continue to be told through the records we'd created. It's so hard being reminded just how full my dreams for him were...and what a void there is now that they're over.
Shane loved art class, and met some of his coolest friends when they came into his life as peer helpers. I was looking through last year's art pictures, and found this one...I hadn't really taken notice of it before, but this day it feels like a message from Shane to me...always life, always love, always laugh....oh Shane, how I hope I can again one day soon. This current state is so stifling, so lonely, so strange.
It's Easter Sunday. My big focus today is on trying to clear out all the long dead floral arrangements from the funeral. They are definitely well past their prime, but I just haven't had the heart to move them out yet. I don't yet, by the way my core is knotted trying to accomplish the task, but each day I try to accomplish one small thing that will allow me to feel I made a little step forward. Today it's the flowers...tomorrow...we'll see.

I feel a need to write, write, write...but don't seem to know what to say. I've picked up the guitar a couple of times in the past week, by have made little headway. Maybe this new week will offer some solace.

We're having a spring rain right now....it's helping to wash away some of the dirty, tired snow that still lingers everywhere. I sit and look out the living room window at the hillside, and try to convince myself I can see hints of green it the bare spots that are now exposed...it's a pretty dirty, brown green if I do say so myself...but I'll keep looking.

Mom is preparing an Easter dinner for us today. My heart is not in being surrounded by a crowd here in my little sanctuary, so she's taking on the task. It will be nice to have dinner there..we've done very little of that since losing Dad last year. It will be good for all of us I'm sure.

I feel that I'm in such a dark place right now. I long for some sense of joy to come back into my heart, but it just doesn't seem to be able to make the breakthrough yet. I search my mind for clues as to what might trigger some feeling of excitement, or anticipation or hope...and still I find only a blank slate. I hope I find a way out of this soon. I hope the emptiness starts to refill itself with a feeling of purpose. I hope it soon starts to get easier, and I so fear that it won't. I hope one day soon I'll remember who I am, now that so much has changed.

Lynda
www.musicwriter.ca