Twelve days have passed since we lost Shane...what a strange new world it suddenly is. Over the past days I'm finding that sometimes my friends speak my heart better than I do. A.M emailed me yesterday, she has a son who has many of the same needs that Shane did, and she put it this way.... "For seventeen years your life has revolved around Shane...your thoughts, your energy, your entire being has revolved around his care, his health, his good days, his bad nights....You know every inflection of every coo, and what it means... your ears are tuned to every sigh, every cry, every shriek of joy or pain..your eyes pick up every facial expression and you know what he has communicated, and wonder sometimes what he must be thinking....My heart weeps with you, my friend"...she pegged it so well.
I think it's the silence that is hardest...there was always sounds, although Shane never spoke a word, he always got his point across using one sound or another..his presence spoke such volumes. The silence is deafening...and as I listen, I hear my heart break.
I'm trying to focus on the list of things that I know need to get done, and the other list of things that I always planned to accomplish when I had time...now it seems I have more time than I can handle, but instead of getting things accomplished, I wander from room to room....memories hitting me at every turn....none of this seems real.
It's raining here. They say that in about 24hours the rain is to turn to another round of snow. I wish this winter would end, it seems to have lasted so long. It's such a dirty time of year too. The snow is no longer pure and white, but tired and grey and mottled...kind of reminds me of me right now. We need a dose of spring and renewal. I hope it comes soon.
Tried to play for a while today. Puttered with the song that I was working on just the week before Shane passed. Shane's Godmother read the lyrics as a poem at his funeral, and I know I need to finish the piece. There are still flashes of time when I stand here and wonder what next...what am I to do with myself...everything I've worked towards in the last many years have been geared towards his future, his having a safe, inclusive adult life, his world being made more accepting and tolerant. I know from the response from his passing, I have a responsibility to continue all that we started, and to keep working towards a better tomorrow for all person's with disabilities, and I know I need to get that fire back...right now it just seems so hard. Each morning I arise hoping this will be the day that I'll feel something of myself again...but each evening I retire feeling the same hollow emptiness that has engulfed me since March 10th. At least, with help, the sleep allows me to escape for a few hours, but the escape is usually into the world of my dreams, where Shane is with me, and all is as it should be again...that makes starting the next day just that much harder.
I know it's early, I know this will take time....God knows I've been here before when I lost my first husband in 2001, and when I lost my Dad last year...but this one just seems so much harder, because Shane got me through those other losses. The critical people in my life are trying so hard to do that for me now...but it's just different. I miss my boy sooooo much....please bear with my while I work though it.
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/
I think it's the silence that is hardest...there was always sounds, although Shane never spoke a word, he always got his point across using one sound or another..his presence spoke such volumes. The silence is deafening...and as I listen, I hear my heart break.
I'm trying to focus on the list of things that I know need to get done, and the other list of things that I always planned to accomplish when I had time...now it seems I have more time than I can handle, but instead of getting things accomplished, I wander from room to room....memories hitting me at every turn....none of this seems real.
It's raining here. They say that in about 24hours the rain is to turn to another round of snow. I wish this winter would end, it seems to have lasted so long. It's such a dirty time of year too. The snow is no longer pure and white, but tired and grey and mottled...kind of reminds me of me right now. We need a dose of spring and renewal. I hope it comes soon.
Tried to play for a while today. Puttered with the song that I was working on just the week before Shane passed. Shane's Godmother read the lyrics as a poem at his funeral, and I know I need to finish the piece. There are still flashes of time when I stand here and wonder what next...what am I to do with myself...everything I've worked towards in the last many years have been geared towards his future, his having a safe, inclusive adult life, his world being made more accepting and tolerant. I know from the response from his passing, I have a responsibility to continue all that we started, and to keep working towards a better tomorrow for all person's with disabilities, and I know I need to get that fire back...right now it just seems so hard. Each morning I arise hoping this will be the day that I'll feel something of myself again...but each evening I retire feeling the same hollow emptiness that has engulfed me since March 10th. At least, with help, the sleep allows me to escape for a few hours, but the escape is usually into the world of my dreams, where Shane is with me, and all is as it should be again...that makes starting the next day just that much harder.
I know it's early, I know this will take time....God knows I've been here before when I lost my first husband in 2001, and when I lost my Dad last year...but this one just seems so much harder, because Shane got me through those other losses. The critical people in my life are trying so hard to do that for me now...but it's just different. I miss my boy sooooo much....please bear with my while I work though it.
Lynda
http://www.musicwriter.ca/
2 comments:
Lynda,
I am so sad for your loss, and just have no way to express it in words. Reading your brother's eulogy, I am simply filled with admiration for all that you have done to take a life fraught with challenge and fill it with love, hope and happiness. That boy has seen and accomplished more in the time he had than most average folks ever will. As the dad of a five year old, I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling now. I hope the dawning of spring anew breathes new life and a sense of healing. Do not lose sight of your music and your writing. Take the time you need to mourn, but never forget the world of happiness you provided this special child. On my side of the world, I am both moved and deeply saddened. Hang in there. If it is any help to you at all, my thoughts are with you, your family, and your friends.
Tom!
Hi Tom,
You are so wonderful with words..and thankyou for that. You're kind support does help, and I appreciate it.
It's a very strange place, and somehow pouring it out onto the page eases a little of the pressure that seems to live in my core these days...thanks for continuing to hang in there with me as I make my way through this
Take care,
Lynda
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