Spring, renewal, reminders...

Sunday morning, the first of this year's calf crop arrived safe and sound and wide eyed to the new life before her. She is the first of 98 to come, so busy weeks lie ahead. She timed it right too. Last week we were mired in the snow and wind and sleet of a late blast of winter, but she stayed where she was until that passed, and a warm sun was available to greet her. Our hope is always that we've timed the calving to coincide with the arrival of the warmer, nicer days of spring so that the babies have a chance to catch their breath after the birthing process without having to also fight the elements of winter. There was a time, for many years in fact, when we were part of the cattle producing sector that deemed January and February to be the best time to calve, based on selling timing and pricing. But eventually, it came to our attention, that that no longer worked for our energy, facilities, enthusiasm or lifestyle, so we bumped it back to April. It was a good choice for us.

The calving season is such a strong reminder of how life goes on, whether we're ready to or not. It's been three weeks to the day since I lost Shane....in most ways three very, long, draining weeks...but another part of me marvels that three weeks have slipped past so quickly. I don't know if I can say it's getting any easier...I think I cry a little less, I force myself to get up and do things that take my focus off the emptiness inside for a while, there are snatches of moments when he doesn't consume every thought in my head, but it's still a hard place to be. Sometimes it's scary how tight and explosive the muscles in my throat and neck and chest feel, like your body is about to tear itself open, in an effort to contain the pain it's carrying. I hope that feeling soon starts to ease...I'm sure those are signs of the stress that eats away at what health you have, and I need to manage that if I'm going to be around to move forward.

I think for us, one of the toughest things with this particular loss is how it's been an insurmountable wave in such a series of losses. You look at the stages of grief that the professionals claim you will go through, and the time lines that might be expected, and there just has never been a chance for us to work through one, before the next one arrives. We barely were coming to terms with the loss of my Dad last March, when we were confronted with the death of Cecil's Mom in November, then as we're starting to feel that loss is manageable, this happens....and this is not something that feels like it's going to be manageable for a long, long time....so please let it be the last for a while. A broken heart can only be left in so many pieces if it is ever going to put a semblance of itself back together....I think mine has reached the point of being almost completely shattered....I'm so uncertain reparation is possible, but know I have to try.

So for now, we carry on. Signs of spring are starting to appear everywhere. The water streams flowing through the middle of the yard, the boards of the deck peaking through the snow, the arrival of the calves....my hope that all the rebirth and regeneration around us will aid us in being reborn into the new life we have as well. A new life that will carry the memory of Shane forward, as the gift that he was, and a life that will see me strong enough to share the lessons that he brought and make his life count for everything that it truly was. We're working at that one long day at a time, but I do believe that each day is just a tiny bit easier than the day before...so with time.

I wanted to share this picture...when people talk about 'fighting like cats and dogs' they'd never met "Lady". Lady has been with us for tow years this month. We decided in 2007 that we needed another dog around the yard, as poor old buster who was about 14 at the time, was struggling with the coyote population coming up and harassing him at night by the house. My Dad researched and decided what we needed was a Great Pyrenees. He found some puppies for sale in the paper, but we didn't think we were at a place where a puppy would have a fair chance...we were just too busy, and too preoccupied. I picked up a Buy and Sell on day to read on the way to a Friends funeral, and there at the top of the pets section, was my girl. '5 year old Great Pyrenees female, free to good home'. I phoned and spoke for her immediately, but the only day we could drive that far to get her was Easter Sunday, so that day Shane, Cecil and I loaded up in The Shanemobile (his wheelchair van), and headed out for the three hour drive to fetch the new family member. When we got to our destination, we found the saddest, most defeated animal I've ever met. She'd been tied to a tree for a year, you could feel every bone down her skull and back, and we didn't even know she had a tail for two weeks, she kept it tucked so tightly down. This was NOT what we were looking for, but we just couldn't leave her there. We decided to take her home, see what happened, and find her a better place if necessary. I still question what it was we were thinking when we loaded this monster of a dog into the back of the van, and attached her leash to the footings that kept Shane's wheelchair secure. It could have been a disaster with an animal that big, and a child that vulnerable...but something about her demeanor never even allowed the possibility to enter our mind.

Two days after arriving at our home, the least/chain came off. She's proven to be the answer to the coyotes, the protector of the family, the play thing for the children, and the tamer of the cats. There isn't a day where she doesn't look at you, and you just know she adores you for the life she's been given, and the home that she has. It's another one of those things, where you put something out there, and what you need comes. I think she's a lot older than the 5 years we were told she was. She's another heartbreak down the road. But for the past two years, and for the foreseeable future....she truly has been a 'man's best friend'....although that man just happens to be a woman.